There is no fail-proof manual that comes with raising children…Know why? Because no two children are alike, not even twins, let alone siblings..What I do feel IS universal is parental love..My free flow of thoughts on this near & dear topic is dedicated to my parents… These are a few things I think every child should hear from their parents at least once in their lifetime>>>
I love you always! Unconditionally. From the womb & forever..
I am proud of you!
What do you think? Or, what is your opinion? (and then listen..)
Thank you! (whenever applicable..)
I am human..(we must teach our children, at all ages, it is ok to admit fault & try again..)
What defines us to ourselves? Is it our intentions? Is it our thoughts? Is it our actions? Is it our attitude? Is it our outlook on life? Some of us don’t like to admit it(hand raised high in the air! ) but we want our existence to be remembered..I think we all want to matter..We want to define ourselves with something that is LASTING..Whether it is a published book, successful business or goodwill towards others..Some of us also pour a great deal of the best parts of ourselves into our children..I’ve very guilty of that! Why? Because they’ll be my living legacy long after I’m gone..Yet, isn’t it the little moments quilted together that define us? I believe it is..
Who we spend time with defines us>> Who we keep close are the people that will most influence us..When I close my eyes & reflect on the BEST moments of my life? More times than not those were moments that had someone else in them..Someone close..Dear ‘trusted’ friends who have been there for us in all types of weather..Family members who love us unconditionally to the very core of our being..And those we’ve loved deeply , who care for us even after seeing us at our worst..I’ve learned & am still learning to be ‘conscious’ about who I spend time with ; for they have a say in defining us..Many moons ago I used to tell my sons pick & choose your friends wisely! At 51 years of age that still remains true..Mayhaps even more so now>>
Acts of Kindness>>Corny as it sounds it can make a loved ones’ or stranger’s day! We aren’t always aware of the impact our simple presence has on others..A smile…An unexpected tip(recently happened in my world that I tipped someone whose establishment provided horrific overall service) A comforting ear..A hug..WE have the power to restore someone’s faith in humanity..
We choose our perception of the World>> I heard someone say very recently that the world is full of mostly evil people..Made me a little sad that they’d feel that way..I quickly realized I couldn’t change their mind..I think it is an individual decision we can choose to make every minute of the day..Is the world revolving around us or can we step out of ourselves & see the world from a more realistic viewpoint? If we can’t ever see the world from another’s perspective what does that say about us? There is alot to be said for that old adage@ Walk a mile in my shoes..>>
Addressing naughty habits>>I found myself saying , just today, perfection is boring..There are many things we may dislike about ourselves..None of us are above anyone else..We are human & will make mistakes..Throughout our lives we forms habits, attitudes and even addictions that can be detrimental, but to let them define us would be the greatest misfortune..We must and should strive to dust ourselves off, do better, work on self-improvement/progression and move onwards and upwards>>
What have been some of your life-defining or life-altering moments? Who have you chosen to BE?
I won’t and can’t lie…I can’t relate to this piece…However, now that I’ve been single & celibate for 3 years(though actively dating someone I dig alot..a whole lot!) I find myself trying to understand all aspects of the dating spectrum…My hair was blown back by the open nature and honesty of this write..At 51 yrs old and UNmarried; my biggest fear is entering old age alone..ALONE..MY parents attend even random doctor appointments TOGETHER..Shopping, etc..whatever they do together…As much as I dig my independence I MISS being part of a forever union..Knowing that someone always has my back..Good , bad or ugly…There IS comfort in that…Having said all of that I’ve a silent respect for those who are still patiently waiting on ‘the One’..It is hard for me to imagine waiting & waiting & waiting on love until well into the 50s…I’m just NOT that patient!
IF anyone can relate to this woman’s perspective, feel free to comment…I was captivated from word one!
I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me….
October comes in innocently enough, stretching the edges of summer into fall. But then, one night, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold chill touches my shoulders like a former lover I’ve tried to shake from memory. I shiver. My heart falls; I know that another long winter is approaching and I’m still alone.
I hadn’t planned it this way. I have always been open to love and relationships. I have held on to hope and to expectations and to dreams and to grief and to men I should have let go of much sooner. I have been high on love and tip-toed on top of clouds. And I’ve lost my breath under a dark cloud, wondering why it’s so hard for me to have the long, meaningful relationship I deserve.
I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. I’m focused on the moment I’m in right now. This is life. This is my life. And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin.
Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. He swivels to face me, smiling, and I smile back. The date is off to a great start. But soon enough, his tone changes. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin.
First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. They describe their marriage and how it concluded, or why their recent long-term relationship finally had to end, as Brian’s had earlier this year. “We argued so much it no longer felt good to be in the relationship,” he volunteers. And now, as these exchanges go, it’s my turn to share why I’m still single.
“Have you ever been married?” Brian asks.
“No,” I say.
“Have you come close? Like engaged or lived with someone?”
“Nope,” I add.
Brian presses his lips together in judgment. “When was your last long-term relationship?” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one.
“It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his.
“But you’re attractive and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single. “Like how long?” my date continues. “How many years?” He wants details. He wants to hear proof that he’s right about his assumption that there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, he thinks, she can’t commit.
“I don’t even know,” I say with a smile and a nonchalant shrug. And I’m being honest. I don’t know. I don’t know how many men I’ve gone out with or how many men I’ve kissed or been intimate with or how many men I’ve lost to what was simply not meant to be. I don’t count the men because, in the end, they are all one closer to one that will be the One.
“That’s OK,” Brian offers as consolation. “Some people aren’t interested in having a serious relationship.”
I immediately find myself rising up to my own defense and resent us both for having to do so. “Does it mean I’m interested in having a serious relationship if I stay in one too long because I don’t know how to leave or because I can’t bear to be on my own?” I ask. “I never married the wrong guy or pretended to be happy in a relationship when I wasn’t. And it hasn’t always been my choice for a relationship to end. I’ve been in love. I’ve wanted to be in love forever with some of the men I’ve dated. My heart has been broken,” I add.
My date seems unsympathetically relieved at this last note. My black-and-blued heart is proof to him that I’ve gone to battle for love. But I’m more focused on the fact that I’ve survived and have moved forward than on the battles I’ve lost.
“So, what’s the issue?” he asks. “I can’t believe you would still be single. You must be picky.”
We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot.
“Of course I’m picky,” I say with confidence. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.”
My date pours more wine into my glass from the carafe we’re sharing. Our conversation moves on to entrepreneurship, a passion we share. He goes first, and I’m sincerely impressed. And then I share my work and the business I’ve grown over the last seven years. But for my date, he’s not so much interested in my work, but in how my career might be the root-cause of my singlehood.
“Some people choose to focus on their careers and some choose to have families,” my date says emphatically, making the assumption that because I haven’t had a family, I’ve made my choice.
“I didn’t choose to have a career over falling in love, getting married and having children,” I reply, my voice again slightly raised. “I can control many aspects of my career, but I cannot choose when and with whom I fall in love and who returns the love to me. I didn’t plan to be single at 45 or not to have children.”
“I have a friend who admits she spent too much time focused on her career and not her dating life,” Brian says, like it’s a diagnosis: “Career-Womanitis.”
“Women don’t often forget to fall in love. They don’t often forget to have children. Sure, time passes faster than we’d all prefer, but if someone wants to be in a relationship, and most women do, then we find a way to do that when a man who wants the same thing is present in our lives,” I reply. “Women are better multitaskers than men are in general, so I don’t buy into the ‘too focused on career’ script modern women have been given instead of the truth: Despite having a great career and taking care of ourselves financially, while also taking care of our health and well-being, we haven’t met the man we’re meant to be with.”
“Maybe you’re too independent,” Brian suggests, more to himself as he looks down his mental list of possible reasons for my singlehood.
“I’m independent,” I reply. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be dependent on someone else for a change. We keep hearing about how women should ‘lean in.’ I am leaning in so far that I’m falling over. I don’t have a net, emotionally or financially, to fall back on. What I would do to be able to lean back for once. What I would do to have a man in my life whom I could count on when times are tough…”
Brian is running out of arguments. I’m running out of patience.
“Brian, if you spend the rest of our date searching for what’s wrong with me, you’ll never discover what’s right with me,” I say, trying to soothe us both into another topic of conversation. “I have no regrets. I’m living a life I never dreamed of in many respects. Yes, I wanted to be married and become a mom in my twenties, but here I am, in my forties, with all my bumps and bruises, still in the ring, unwilling to give up on love.”
My date seems satisfied, at least for now, and we begin to chat about other things. As we leave the bar later that night, Brian gives me a hug. “You’re shivering,” he says, sweetly. “Let me get you into a cab.” He hails a cab and asks me for a second date.
“Yes,” I say. “I’d like that.” I’m open to a relationship, after all.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says with his handsome smile as he opens the cab door.
I smile back as I get in the cab. I am happy to be out of the chill.
Melanie Notkin’s second book, OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness (Seal Press/Penguin Canada), is available now. OTHERHOOD received a prestigious *starred review* by Bookli
..Will God lay it at your feet? How long should you wait on God to send HIM? Will you know the signs that ‘the one’ has been sent from God? Limitless questions that seem to inspire more questions…>>>
Proverbs 31:10-31King James Version (KJV)
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies….
Exactly what IS a woman of virtue? As Christians we’re taught(correct me if I’m wrong..) that a woman of virtue is pure, upstanding in good character, and waits to be plucked by ‘the one’ sent by God to love only her..But what about those of us who are divorced or will never be virgins again?? Are we also supposed to wait, again? My interpretation of this scripture translates to pure of heart..
1. characterized by or possessing virtue or moral excellence; righteous; upright
2. (of women) chaste or virginal
I think we all interpret things; differently…Also I find that we often pick & choose what scripture we want to emulate or believe in…Is a woman any less virtuous if she employs an active hand in determining her ‘fate’? Do WE sit at home waiting for any other opportunity(i.e..career, investments etc..) to knock on our doors? The answer is simple..No, we don’t…In that aspect we use our God-given talents; to achieve our goals..Why isn’t that the same universal sentiment for Christian women seeking love? Why are so many of the belief that God is going to do it ALL? One must do their part, good works, to gain anything in this life..Right? There have been phases of praying for discernment in my life(I’m in the midst of one now..); in which I am listening to the ear of my heart..It’s my belief there IS a healthy balance between actively looking (or broadening our exposure, circles..) for a life-partner & waiting for God to send one into our lives..Being passive doesn’t get anyone anywhere! If this is truly the case then why do we hear of so many(including the video clip I posted..) willing to ‘just’ wait??? Doesn’t that mean they don’t trust their own judgement/choices at all? IF a woman’s heart is pure and she is a woman of God; can’t she be guided/led by him to choose a life-partner? Or at the least attempt to step out of her comfort zone(online dating sites, broadening social circles, etc…) in order to be discovered? Real questions. Real thoughts that I wanted to share with y’all..Feel free to chime in or share from your experiences..Stand UP women of virtue and speak on it…
Just a random question… Is there anything you’d gladly wait in a mile-long line for???(or longer…) Without complaint & patiently..IF you knew what you wanted was guaranteed at the end of the line! Whether you share here/at work/with family or friends; cute light topic for a little mental relaxation..Or least it was for me! My answer came so easy it surprised even me..Because I hate standing in line(almost as much as I hate being in bumper to bumper traffic!) I’ll break the ice by going first. Corny as it sounds.. I’d stand in the world’s longest line for love. Alright now it is your turn..Go!
African American Culture, African American Men, African American Women, African Americans Future in America, American, Anger, Black Relationships, Brazil, Cultural, Emotion, Hurt, Interracial relationships, Knowledge, Love, Loyalty, Men, Ponder, Reflection, Sterotypes, Women
**Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think? **
Sigmund Freud believed that mental illness came from ‘repressed emotions’ in the unconscious mind. He believed that release & acceptance of these denied or repressed emotions & memories were VITAL for mental health. If this emotional energy wasn’t released , Freud noted it led to physiological symptoms and illnesses…>> Memorized this many moons ago when I studied psychology..For some reason or other , this Freudian tidbit came to mind while reflecting on why my emotions free-fell to anger after watching a video clip last night..
A friend sent me a video clip last night..My first reaction to it was anger..Not seething; but full of passion! And immediate..So much so that I didn’t finish watching the clip until much later..Curiosity forced me to finally watch it. At the time I didn’t realize why it made me feel angry..I’ve not “personally” experienced the sentiment expressed in the video clip..Yet , I took it personally. It was hard to watch and swallow..As a Black woman it hurts to feel judged & stereotyped(as a group) by everyone–especially those that we’ve stood by ALL of our lives. Black men. I later realized my feelings of anger directly translated to ; my realization of the myriad of reasons the gap is getting larger @The disconnect between Black men & women. As a single Black divorcee that makes me “feeeeeel” sad, disappointed, abandoned, a sense of betrayal and yep, angry…Briefly! We’re all freeee to do who! or whatever we choose to do..But dang, dangit & dayuum why heave us under the bus! The description @Angry Black Woman has never been applied to me as an individual; but it doesn’t mean I can’t/don’t/and won’t express and feel anger from time to time..We live in a culture that views expressing anger as taboo. My personal belief? Holding it in & denying it isn’t good for our spirit..I’m hopeful to write more on that & this topic at a later date… So anyways, that led me to ponder/reflect/wonder why we feel the emotions we do..Just wanted to give a little backstory on the prompt of the thoughts that inspired this piece ..Again I pose the question@ ** Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think?**
I’m sharing the actual clip in the spirit of seeking insight..Curious what , if any, emotions are evoked when y’all take a peek. From any perspective..As a woman. As a man. Of any race..In my experience emotion transcends all..Especially the greatest which , of course, is love! But I digress and badly.. If you feel the need to share then just know this is an emotion-friendly zone! Let it flow…
Special thanks to my friend for , again, broadening my scope of knowledge
This topic was actually prompted by a conversation with a male friend..A deep chat of sorts that reminded me how people view being single from the outside..As IF all folks that are single are lonely..I know I speak of things from a personal perspective. I’m working on that! But in the interim here is my list of reasons I think I’m still single. Actually I’m single but dating/seeing (is that even the politically correct term these days???) someone.. It took a great deal of honesty/soul-searching/reflection to size myself UP.. A great deal!
**Flashback to the aforementioned conversation** As I recall the list of qualities/characteristics my friend brought to my attention that, he feels, makes me a good catch..I’ve come to the realization a lot of those same items are also the reason I’m still single! Ironic as it seems(catch 22 mayhaps?) I believe that to be true..What I also realized as he spoke was that he’s digging me as more than just a friend..OMG when & how did that happen???? But I digress..And? If anyone else out there also desires something (whether it is a career/significant other/change in location/further education, etc etc) a reality check is a good way to purge the soul! Least it works wonders for me..On with my list>>
Reason #1 . Never learned how to play second fiddle. Yes, I bought the whole kit & caboodle I was taught as a young girl by my Daddy. That I deserve a man’s full attention. Don’t get me wrong; I can hold my OWN in a crowd. Being the social butterfly that I really am..But in a love relationship that analogy doesn’t work for me. I’ll wait for a minute to be plucked out of a crowd with my hand, figuratively, held in the air waving@ Here I am! Yet, being number 2 isn’t something I do well. I fall back if I discern that is the case. A most speedy retreat. Might even leave skid marks as I quietly depart..Confidence can be attractive but also has its disadvantages..I honestly believe I AM & should be treated as the 1 & Only
Reason #2 . I’m only attracted to my Black brothas as romantic partners..It is part of my DNA and comes as natural to me as breathing. This has caused the dating pool to be a lot smaller. Why? Because at my age a great deal of good brothas my age are married or linked up already. Heck, I never thought I’d be single divorced at 51! Just wasn’t part of the master plan I’d set out with many moons ago. Y’all know what they say about the best laid out plans though right? Yep, ish and life happens! Bottom line , without a doubt, IF I’d open myself up to date interacially I’d have been linked up long ago. If the rejected proposals are any indication..Real talk for real! Black is SO beautiful & my brothas rein in all ways>>
Reason #3 . I waited too long to get back into the dating scene..I’m so out of practice! Figured I was doing the right thing to take a breather after my Cali love & to get myself adjusted to my new location(and life as an empty nester) Isn’t regrouping a smart thing to do?? Wait, don’t answer that it is a rhetorical question..But like I recently heard Katt Williams say@ “I was single too long..Everyone is either too young or too OLD..Issues or not(don’t we all have issues of some sort at this age?) I’ve got to admit Katt has a point. Contrary to the thought process of a lot of single folks(about why they are single..) ; I don’t believe the rules of dating have changed that much. Men still crave the company of women & women still crave the company of men..Well the straight ones DO. While a great deal of brothas have expressed admiration for my self-discipline ; still has become quite clear to me I’m out of practice. I’ve grown to used to just being and doing ME . Becoming part of a duo again will take time & effort & patience…I need to tape that to my mirror so I can re-remember it daily>>
Reason #4. Began buying the hype about the to do’s and not to do’s of dating..There IS a never-ending list of lists of what to do/how to do it/WHEN to do it..And as my new guy friend pointed out? Some of those sources(ex. Steve Harvey) haven’t been IN good relationships long enough to even be reliable self-appointed love gurus! Least I didn’t buy his B.S; I mean his book..Come back and give me tips after you’ve been in a GOOD love relationship for 50 years Steve. Until then thanks be to God I’ve got parents who fit those shoes. Never in my life have I looked UP so many tips/clues/hints/suggestions on how to be in a relationship before. Jeeeez , no more..Back in the day we just let it flow. Used to trust what I felt in my spirit/soul. I’m standing firm & refuse to buy into the hype any longer>>
Reason #5. Still yearn for a guy that gets me! I can’t play ‘the game’..I don’t know how to be coy/play hard to get/LIE. I want to have conversations where not a word need be said. Believe it or not(loll yes I know I talk a lot..working on that too!) Just want someone who understands & appreciates me for me. And likewise..Girlish as it sounds I want to fall in love with my best friend. For life. I think guys have gotten so used to being duped & played; it is difficult to trust in a woman’s word. Realizing fully that sometimes I’m hard to follow! I’ve alot of pent UP energy & alot to share..Patience is a virtue and often the best things in life are worth working to learn/earn. >>
Reason #6. I have standards and principles. I believe in loyalty and committment.. I’m a one man-woman. And tough as it is for some guys to adhere to(due to natural biological cravings…yep, I read up on it to gain understanding) I believe in a monogamous relationship. I don’t know how to ‘hang out’ with a guy I’m digging. To me it IS a date. I can hang out with my girlfriends..>>
Reason # 7..I’m a giver by nature. Whether it is a friend or a lover I’ll give the shirt off my back to a person in need. Without hesitation…Problem with that is kindness can be viewed as weakness..I can’t shut off a piece of who I am just to avoid possibly being hurt. One can’t discover love holding back.>>
Exhaling! I think that is it..Enough said. Anyone out there sat & reflected on possible reasons you’re still single? Granted it is easier to just profess there is a shortage of good guys/women left..That could be part of the reason & I honestly don’t take away from that logic. The terms good & good catch are subjective..In the spirit of teach one, reach one(my only reason for blogging isn’t just to vent..) I’d love to get additional comments. Chime in! Until I read/write y’all stay UPlifted & blessed! 4ever sincere the 1 & Only, Berna
Ugh! For some reason this was the hardest piece to write..Mayhaps because in the rear seat of my mind I knew people (because they told me..) I’d chatted or met from online would actually read this..Often times things can be said, even in good taste, that can be found offensive when describing real –life happenings..As my disclaimer before I dig in it is my utmost intent to show respect for the people text chatted , or conversed with on the phone, or met face to face(my preference) ..Each & every one taught me something new(either about me , men, or from their shared life experiences that I listened to) …I’m forever appreciative of that. Thank you/Gracias/Asante/Merci/Grazie/Obrigado! Moving right along…
Overall? I’ve had a good online dating experience..Actually wound up meeting someone , in person, that I am highly interested in! More of that later…First I wish there had been more tips for online dating in the fabulous 50s..It is different from offline dating…Or least it was for me! Could be because I’ve been out of the dating scene for 3 years now..Wow, can hardly believe that myself ..Can’t tell y’all how many comments & wonderings(and amazement) I’ve heard about how could I possibly be single that long?? If one more person says that I will scream! (Or at the least feeeeeel like screaming) Yet, it has been pretty easy to be single when one hangs with their parents/parents friends as much as I do..Until now. Now I’m ready to not be single anymore…
So next a few tips learned first-hand by moi..Okay ladies here is the real scoop
1. Make it clear you’re interested..Honestly, I think this goes for men & women..Once there has been an established mutual connection(either on the phone or in person) let that person know you’re digging them! Why? There are A LOT of potentials online (never counted the amount of messages in my inbox but it’s in the hundreds…) & who has time to pussy foot around? At 51 and after a 3 year hiatus? Pfft! I’m not letting any grass grow under my feet. IF I dig you you’ll know as soon as I’m feeling the first set of butterflies…(Which for the record in my couple of months online experience has only happened once. Very, very recently) Someone said to me that he felt women were too busy weighing options online to decide on one man. Yuck! That is a sure fired way to miss out on a diamond in the pile of pebbles..Weigh your options ; but don’t take forever & a day doing it. We’re in our 50s; we know what we like when we see it. I think that shoe fits for men & women..
2. Appreciate a MAN for who he IS..Just as you want to be appreciated for who you are. Or least I do! We get what we give. Can’t read someone’s profile & then try to change him into something he isn’t. Just hope and pray he was honest in what he wrote on his profile..
3. Move quickly from offline ..Period. My limit was 2 weeks. I’m not feeling the online chats at all.. Not my thing. After 2 weeks of messages if he hasn’t asked for my number (cell number to be on the safe side) ? I move on…After phone and text chats for a couple of weeks? It is time to meet face to face. Why? Because people can get attached very quickly through actual conversations..This could be problematic if there aren’t mutual sparks when you actually meet. And of course make the first meet in a public spot. First person I met(I met 4 people) I met him at the supermarket. On purpose. Yep, lol..
4. Define quickly what is and isn’t acceptable. I had NO idea it was the IN thing for people to send nude pics. Lawd! Had my hair blown back..Just didn’t see it coming. I’m not a total prude. At first? I can’t lie..I looked..After all he was a pretty buff & nice looking brotha..And he was so proud of his body(as he well should’ve been..) However, if that is all you have to offer ? We’d never even chatted voice to voice; only text chatted. Then wham! Physical attraction matters but without a mental connection it means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. I deleted him before he realized what was going on. There was no need to explain. Even in my younger days that would’ve been a lame approach.
5. Be honest. Do NOT post 10-year-old pics. Do NOT post pics that are blurred. Do NOT post pics from a mile away. I haven’t had time to respond to even half of the messages in my inbox; but the ones with those type of pics I quickly deleted. One finger stroke. Poof! Do NOT state ish about yourself that isn’t true. Lying is a funky habit anyway..But if you happen to link up with someone you lied to??? Not sure about them but that would be a deal breaker for me. Even if I was digging them…Can’t build anything good on a bad foundation or one built with lies.Be real. Be YOU. Everyone isn’t for everyone. Period. I feel its better to be myself(yourself) and be accepted as I am; then to perpetrate a fraud.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d try online dating..It used to be so taboo! But since I’m not one to venture out into the clubs by myself(though I love dancing!) and haven’t yet ventured much out into the social scenes here by myself(and everyone is coupled up at the social settings I’ve gone to) ; it seemed the logical(and convenient ) way to broaden my options. I’ve been lucky . The handful of people I met were cool & good people at heart. I was going to write about my specific brief encounters; and decided against it. I’ve been on several dates & had a good time. It is hard for me to have a bad time where ever I am. And yes, I will talk to anyone. Lol! New friend of mine suggested I get a T-shirt that reads@ Yep, I’ll talk to you too! I’m actually thinking about having one made. And he IS a keeper. Intelligent, very well versed and can hold his own(and does) in any conversation, hot!, kind, and extremely chivalrous. It is the first time in ages that I’ve been physically and mentally attracted to anyone. The vibe is good. Very good. And? I met him on an online dating site. And? I’m not ashamed to admit it. I can’t be the ONLY one reading this that has experienced online dating..Why not share? Go!
Waving to y’all! My fingers are itching to blog on this topic..Been too long since I last blogged or blog read; and I’ve missed it. Promised to blog on this for a minute now…And? I think or hope the fieldwork I’ve done can serve to help others seeking love in the 50s..Want to know why 11% of American adults have tried out an online dating site? Well now I’m officially one of them. Hmmmm hang onto your hats, caps, wigs & weaves..Will be spilling the goods this evening..STAY TUNED & BUCKLE UP
Almost midway into THE year I said I’d marry again..OR at the least be IN love for the last time. Where has the time gone?? Is it just me or is time flying by in faster increments than it was before Fabulous 50? With all the happenings of this year so far I’m just settling down & taking note that OMG half the year is gone. Poof! Anyways I digress..Since last thinking about dipping my toes back into the awesome pool of love and/or married bliss..I’ve half-seriously considered a cross-country relationship, a relationship with my X, online dating, & staying single indefinitely(YUCK) ..I say half considered because due to life happenings , I honestly haven’t had time or energy to fully delve into anything 100%. At all. And because I tend to be an over-thinker at times..Yep, I admit it..I decided not only will none of the above work for me; but that I absolutely will not “settle” either. >>
One of the greatest advantages of flying solo has been: It has given me ample time to figure out exactly what type of significant other will add to my life. Outside of being physically attractive; there is so much more I need from a man before I hand in my singles card. I don’t need someone to complete me. What I desire is a union in which we complement each other. More than likely? Opposites! Wouldn’t two conservative people bore each other too pieces till death do they part? Ugh! On the flip side of that imagine two zany energetic people together for life?? I don’t even want to imagine that scenario..Which is why I know I need a somewhat more reserved counterpart..But he’s got to have energy to keep UP with me as I run circles around him(and a ton of stamina) Anyways, quickly moving right along>>
Chinese philosophy(yep, been reading up on this & it makes sense to moi) cites there is a natural order in the Universe that works smoothly like a song..Yin and Yang..It is said we all have it & that we use both energies in our interactions. However, it is presumed women have more yin and men more yang. Yin is feminine energy: soft, dark, cool, hidden, subtle, and complex. Yin is much more fluid, more nurturing, than yang. Yin’s strength is to preserve life, to keep major support systems in line. Yang is masculine energy: strength, action, and relentless assertiveness. It is a protective energy..>>
I’ll be sure to follow-up after I’ve got a story to tell based on this theory..Coming soon so stay tuned & buckle UP
A mother's pride, Admiration, Adoration, Doctorate, Excellent brother, Family, Family achievement, Firstborn son, Graduation, Great eldest son, High achiever, Higher Education, Honor student, Love, PhD graduation, Progression, Scholar, Son, University of Michigan
He Calls Me Ma..
Inquisitive from the start
Not afraid to make his mark
Never often out of place
One step ahead in any race
Humble in every possible way
Not afraid to have his say
I watched with pride as he took his first steps
Even more so when he eased through college prep
Rose to his defense when he was late to utter words
When he began to speak he properly used verbs(& nouns)
In full sentences!
Was never an average child from birth until
Somehow I just knew he’d reach any goal he chose
And over the years he just rose and rose and rose
An outstanding mentor he’s been/IS to his brothers(and so many others)
No mother could’ve wished for a more perfect firstborn; no other!
With tear-filled eyes I watched his defense of his dissertation
Mere words couldn’t express my awe & fascination
Wow! I kept thinking>> that is MY son!
As we embark upon the few days left till his ‘last’ graduation
I feel compelled to write out my undying love & admiration
Thank you son for an amazing ride and plenty of adventures
You’ve worked so, so hard & diligently!
I’ve learned so much with you and from you..
Looking forward to vicariously enjoying all your future ventures
Your new dream job(woo hoo) & eventually your own family unit
Never stop calling me those two letters I adore; that only you call me
And with private joy! for fun
I’ll call you those two letters that carry a beautiful melody
Most folks that speak on a celibate lifestyle speak on the HIGH notes…Believe it or not there are alot of highs about it..However, there is also a GREAT deal of frustration handling the realities of celibacy..Especially someone whose been in a committed relationship or married majority of their adult life. Someone SEXY and half-arse normal and considered intelligent. Someone that looks alot like ME>>
When I first chose celibacy it had little to do with my religious beliefs..It had more to do with making a conscience choice for less distraction while trying to reach a goal..I’d move cross-country and had a disciplined focus on a set amount of goals..And within a certain time frame..Adding dating to the mix would have been a MAJOR distraction..For I tend to give my all to anything I engage IN..Dating and men is certainly included..Matter of fact?
MEN = 1 of my few weaknesses…I’m not ashamed to admit I love being in love & especially love being married! On the flip side of that I’m also willing to wait (in a celibate state) for marriage before I have sex again..Now,I know most folks think certain things about celibate folks..What comes to mind is either weirdness/priests/OR a maladusted anti-sociable person..I’m NONE of the above..But I do have standards. And the longer I remain celibate; the higher my standards become. And honestly? It has become frustrating as hell!
At first? I was wearing an invisible banner waving it proudly @ I am proudly celibate , waiting and proud! 2 years later it is beginning to feel like a burden..Now it has been SO long that I wonder how much longer I can keep this UP? Not to mention I come from a highly sexed family..I’ve come to a point I don’t believe this is NORMAL..WTF was I thinking? Lawd! We are biologically created to be attracted to men and to want to have SEX..Period
The biggest downside of celibacy is the MEMORIES of how beautiful a loving relationship IS..The God created stress relieving perks that can’t be simulated. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing more fulfilling than a love-filled marriage..There is also nothing more aggravating than explaining to someone who doesn’t get IT that “waiting” for my The One doesn’t mean I’m pushing marriage. IF not desiring to settle for less means I’m pushing marriage; than so be it. It is not an easy walk. And definitely not for the weak hearted..But I’m standing on Faith that it is going to be well worth the wait.
…January 20, 2014 is Martin Luther King, Jr Day in the United States..Here are a few little known facts about the man who is best known for his role in the advancement of civil rights using non-violent civil disobedience based on his Christian beliefs. He was a Christian American Pastor, A Husband, A Father, A PhD!, An Activist, A Humanitarian, And a LEADER in the African-American Civil Rights Movement, and the FIRST Black man behind a federal holiday in America..WOW, wow, and I’m still wow’ed when I think/reflect on the DIFFERENCE one person can make..Before I sign off I’d like to once again say THANK YOU Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr for ALL that you were & did for me, mine and America. Your ultimate sacrifice wasn’t in vain; you’ll never, ever be forgotten!
His name was originally Michael…When his Father changed his own name , to give tribute, to German theologian Martin Luther..He also changed his son’s name. Martin Luther King , Jr was 2 years old when his name was changed.
The switchboard operator of the Lorraine Bailey hotel(where MLK, Jr was murdered..) and co-owner of the hotel; Lorraine Bailey; died due to the heart attack she had upon seeing King was shot..
MLK, Jr skipped 2 grades! in high school..9th & 11th..He was 15 years old when he entered Morehouse College..He was 19 when he received his bachelor’s degree in sociology..He had his PhD by age 25...
He almost didn’t become a minister..Had doubts about Christianity & the Bible and thought of becoming a doctor or lawyer..Later he decided the Bible had profound truths that one couldn’t escape...
He got a ‘C’ in his first year , in public speaking, at the seminary..God only knows the truth of why the professor gave a ‘C’ to someone who by his final year had straight ‘A’s’, was valedictorian & president of student body and the BEST public speaker of all time!!!..
To date he’s the youngest male to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize at 35 yrs old..
His house was once BOMBED..During the Montgomery Bus Boycott (which lasted over a year @ 385 days!)
His mother, Alberta Williams King, was also murdered. She was killed while attending church in Atlanta in 1974 by a 23-year-old man, Marcus Wayne Chenault, who believed “all Christians are my enemies”. He shot and killed her while she was playing organ at the church...
King Jr.’s autopsy revealed that stress had taken a major toll on his body. Despite being just 39 at the time of his death, one of the doctors noted that he had “the heart of a 60-year-old”...
It wasn’t until the year 2000 that all 50 states officially observed Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The last states to join up where Arizona in 1992, New Hampshire in 1999, and Utah in 2000. The holiday itself was originally signed into federal law by President Ronald Reagan in 1983, with the first MLK holiday on January 20, 1986.
Today over 700 streets in the Unites States are named after Martin Luther King Jr., with one such street in almost every major city. This is not even counting the amazing number of buildings, schools, and the like named after him.
Non-violent resistance is not for cowards. It is not a quiet, passive acceptance of evil. One is passive and non-violent physically, but very active spiritually, always seeking ways to persuade the opponent of advantages to the way of love, cooperation, and peace...
I’m going to close this up with one of my fave quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr..About his dream for his children..And today almost 50 years later! I’ve got that very same DREAM for my 3 remarkable Black sons! Let’s let this MLK, Jr day be a day ON ; not just a day OFF…Live/Love/Laugh.Until I read/write y’all again stay lifted and remember to count your blessings every, single day. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & Only)
**For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven**
I’ve spent the majority of my adult life either: dating a man/marrying a man/pining over a man/SACRIFICING my own needs for a man/crying over a man or getting over a man..Finally, at long last!, my personal identity isn’t centered around feeling significant; only when I have a significant other..That is saying a mouthful! So let me say it one ‘mo time for emphasis..I’ve finally reached a place in my life that I’m very comfy with me & I do NOT need someone to complete ME..Having said that it doesn’t, by any means, mean that I don’t desire being married and LOVED..I really DO>>
This will be my 3rd and last Christmas SINGLE..I feel it in my bones & spirit..I’ve enjoyed, to the fullest, the company of my parents..People might find it odd(and I know they do..) that I so love spending time with/around my parents. I don’t expect other people to understand why..Nor is anyone else’s understanding required..There are things other folks do , that I don’t ‘get’ either. But for the sake of this piece; here is the brief explanation. With the exception of this past 3 years; I’ve lived cross-country from my parents. Always after a visit I’d miss them so badly! Now that my parents are nearing mid 70s; I am taking full advantage of our time spent together..I know God makes NO accidents; and my now residing in the same city was/is a Godsend..
It is my belief that the most precious & priceless gift a person can give..Is quality time..Or acts of kindness that require time being put into them..This Christmas was special to me because I spent quality time, with the two people who brought me into this world. In my mind? That is a blessing! And the man who was created to love me & only me? Will totally understand that without me having to explain..I’ve got such faith! that I’m right where I should be~~in every aspect of my life. All the pieces of my life are falling right into place..so my lifetime love is next! It is so very close I can taste & feel it…Woooo hooooo & yay! Anyone out there have a story of being single at Christmas that you’d like to share?
I probably should begin this rant with a disclaimer..I’m an imperfect Christian striving daily to give to others the love I feel inside. Whilst also continually moving progressively towards reaching my God-given potential.. End of disclaimer>>
Once again while I was driving to Mass(church) Sunday I saw panhandlers along my route..I’m always struggling to get to my wallet(while at a stoplight) to give..One of the signs , in particular, caught my eye & pulled at my heart strings..A lady holding a sign that said “Mother of 3 . Recently unemployed. No money for Christmas. Need $188.50 for rent.” Far cry from the usual will work for pay signs..Finally managing to open my wallet I had NO cash! Didn’t have time to find an ATM to get cash either..I started looking around at the other cars silently wishing someone else had cash on them..Wishing with all my heart someone else would STOP to give this mother a couple dollars..It was a steady stream of traffic in 3 lanes..True to my past bean-counting background(Accounting); I quickly added up the amount of bucks she could’ve gained..IF only people had dug in their pockets and gave ..After all this IS the season of giving ! And loving! And caring! I wondered if I was the only one feeling like absolute shiiiite that I had nothing to give to this woman. A stranger and yet? What if it had been me out there standing on a corner trying to scrape up the rest of rent money…A mother wanting to provide the basic of needs to her children. A roof over their heads..It saddened me to notice that not one car stopped to give her any assistance. Not one! It got me to thinking>>
This IS known as the season of love and compassion..It would be so beautiful if we all harden not our hearts when we see someone else in need..It is my belief the greatest gifts are given without expecting a gift in return…Tis the season to do just that.
**Still I Rise** By the Infamous 1 & Only>> Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
>> I’m thankful for SO many things this Thanksgiving..And in all honestly, every single day I rise..I wanted to share , from my heart, how thankful I’m feeling right now..But all that comes to mind is Maya’s poem which I’ve come to live; daily. Pushing past all past hurts/pain/DISAPPOINTS/transgressions/and mistakes; every day I still wake UP feeling blessed! Feeling renewed! Feeling so, so thankful to see another day..And? Second thing I thank God for after I wake??? That I get another chance & day & opportunity to love, love, LOVE my family & extended family of friends. So this Thanksgiving what I’m most thankful for is, FAMILY. I’d like to wish y’all a very , very blessed Thanksgiving full of peace, hugs, kisses and LOVE. 4ever Sincere, Berna (the 1 & Only)
IN a recent poll Americans overwhelmingly agreed that 50 IS the best age for..Everything! Here is my take on why dating is better now that I’m finally 50 yrs old>>
I am stronger..Simply put the stakes are higher at this age..No time for B.S./games/losers/or crap shots!
I am better..Though consistently striving for improvement; I’m about the best I’ve ever been. So if any potential date is reading this? Bring your A game & leave your ‘representative’ at home..Likewise I’m going to be me 24/7.
I am wiser..Exclamation point. Period.
I’m still not ready to reveal personal details about the dates I’ve been on..Mayhaps I never will..I can say, without a doubt though , that it has been far different from dating in my 20s..Gone are the insecurities felt backintheday..Take me or leave me; and more than likely we’ll part as friends.. I’ve met a couple of really awesome guys who are catches by any standard..And its been FUN..I laugh sometimes till my ribs hurt. Literally..Recently went horse back riding for the first time in eons! My butt hurt a bit more than it did in my 20s; but I didn’t fall off the horse..I’m due to go skating this weekend & hope to discover I still CAN..I’d LOVE to hear the song @ ‘Bounce, Rock, Skate, Roll’..Anyone out there recall that song?? OMG the skating song of ALL time! Though I don’t feel I’ve met my ‘The One’ yet; I’ve got a couple more people I can call genuine friends..The beauty of dating at 50? It is OK to admit early on it isn’t a love match…I love IT. Anyways until I write/read y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed..4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)
Even though it is by special request I’m writing this..I had a ball writing it! Conjured UP beautiful memories of beautiful moments/beautiful people/beautiful feelings felt & mutually shared..As I wrote I realized , much as I desire to be married one ‘mo time(last time!) , it isn’t often I think back & reflect..I think I’ve been so hell-bent on a fast-forward momentum ; that I didn’t dare tread too much on past memories of being IN love..Isn’t it said when looking backwards one can fall? And yet…2night felt pretty good to reminisce for a minute! As I did I recollected why I still hold matrimony as the highest of all relationships. Here is a brief list of the things I miss most about marriage>>
#1..The rest of this list won’t be in any certain order..But this one certainly TOPS my list of things I miss most about marriage. I miss with ALL my heart being linked UP with my forever best friend! Which is what I consider a husband..And thanks to a mighty greatttt God I’ve been blessed to have experienced. That feeling of KNOWING my love partner has my back whether I’m at my best or worst; is a feeling of utter complete ecstasy. I can’t even describe it any further without getting emotional about it. Enough said & moving right along>>
2..Having someone to do the driving! Folks that know me & how I feel about traffic & highways know how much I hate IT. I’ll be so, so happy, elated! to once again take the passenger seat..I’ve discovered I sincerely enjoy being able to NOT pay attention to where we’re going..I can’t sight-see when I’m driving! All I can focus on is the crazy drivers around me & they probably feel the same way about me. Lol! >>
3..I miss having someone to put the trash out. With a houseful of men(husband & 3 sons..) I’ve not put trash out for 20 years..And I am ready for someone else to have that responsibility. Forever..>>
4..I miss having someone to go to the market with..Now at the market I find myself reading the backs of all the boxes & packages..WtH? Much as I love to read I’d NOT do that IF I were married..I’d be yapping my husband’s ear off instead. >>
5. I miss holding hands. This stands alone as just that. I miss holding hands with a husband.Period. >>
6. I miss fussing about putting the toilet seat down! I miss being fussed at for rolling the toothpaste tube UP..All the little bantering back & forth that married couples get used to doing. A routine of each others annoying habits..NEVER thought I’d miss that; but yes really do. >>
7. I miss always having someone to lift the heavy stuff. To reach the high spots I can’t reach at 5’4..To go check if a noise is heard late at night in the house(I’m a scaredy cat!) To open doors because chivalry truly isn’t dead. >>
8.. I miss being introduced as someone’s WIFE. Odd as much as I’ve enjoyed(& needed) being single? I’m looking forward to being a Mrs. again. >>
9. I sincerely miss the easy & natural banter between husband & wife. Knowing that no matter disagreement or not; he still loves me all the time. And the banter is a nice , familiar flow that just feels good. Love IS not always what one does. Or what one says..But how one feels when with another . No second guessing to know if its real or not. It is just GOOD. >>
10…This probably should’ve been #2 on the list in rank of importance. Probably more so because I’m in a celibate state of being. I SO dearly miss the union of husband & wife coming together as ONE. For me it is a feeling felt 2nd only to bringing life into the world. Without a doubt.
Well that is a wrap for now..Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)
This might get heavy..It IS personal..Been known to say I’m single by choice & this is the longest I’ve ever , ever been single..But now that I’m ready to re-enter the world of the dating scene? I’ve come to the realization things have changed! The MEN are so different here on the East Coast than on the West Coast! The BEST potential guys for a really great relationship are already married! It IS slim pickings cause the attractive guys are either married, gay or not-a-thing-in-common. MEN aren’t emotional available ..The list of reasons goes on & on that I hear from other single women when asked “Why are YOU single?” >>
I’ve got admit something..Never in my entire life have I known SO many single women..Women that I feel are eligible & worthy of being in a relationship with a “good” guy..Mayhaps I was always so caught UP in my own relationships I didn’t notice so many other single women? Hmmmmm..then again when married all of our friends were also married..Birds of a feather flock together, right? But wouldn’t I have noticed or heard of massive groups of single women??? >>
Well I recently had a conversation with my eldest son on this topic..I found myself rambling on about how different the men are here on the East Coast, blah blah blah & etc..Then I found myself saying @ I might have to import a West Coast brother just so I can get married again! Wth? Who says such a thing?? It was too late to take it back once I’d said it..My son’s response? There ARE a lot of single professional sista’s these days..Whoa! Wait a minute..I tried to defend the comment & “the situation” ..But I really couldn’t..According the stats I’d read over the past few years; he was RIGHT. But why is that factual? Are our standards too high? Is there a reason for the first time in history more & more Black women are dating/marrying out of their race? WHAT is going on?>>
I can’t speak of anyone else’s reasons for being single..Personally? I needed a couple of years to just do ME..But I’m ready now to jump with both feet back into the dating game..Can’t lie though, in the back of my mind, is this thought sneaking IN..Am I going to add to the ranks of eligible, professional sista’s that are single ; but don’t want to BE? I’ll let y’all know about a month from now..By then I’ll have had some dates under my belt to speak on..It IS time to set about working on my relationship goal..In the meantime though; any single women out there want to rap about this? Are YOU single by choice or chance?
The story of 12-year-old Rebecca Ann Sedwick is beyond tragic..More I hear about it the more my heart breaks; just breaks! I’m not ashamed to admit I cried when the story unfolded…A 12-year-old resorts to suicide after being bullied by a DOZEN youth online..A dozen! I just can’t wrap my mind around the pain her parents must feel..Helpless probably can’t describe IT..At 12 yrs old one’s life has barely begun; and now this young girl is gone. Forever..How in the heck did things come to this point??? Bullying is FAR out of control..>>
WE live in a world which is full of sordid , tainted, VILE, and violent images and behavior..IF we don’t dispute it & stand quietly as it happens? WE are part of the problem. My mind is swirling with thoughts upon thoughts about this topic..VIOLENCE is everywhere..And some of it is associated with activities known as sport! It is NO small surprise it is manifesting itself in the youth>>
Recently a trio of 15-year-old youth were given probation for a VICIOUS beat down of a 13-year-old youth. On a school bus! At 50 years of age I couldn’t even watch the entire clip of the beating on the news..It was brutal. Mayhaps it is the maternal nuturing part of me that watched that video clip horrified..Mayhaps it is the fact that I didn’t believe in physical discipline for my own sons..I just don’t believe that violence begets anything other than; VIOLENCE. Bad digression…as much as I hate to convict children as adults I feel the aforementioned trio should HAVE been convicted as adults. Double that by also sentencing their adult parents right along with them! A sentence of probation is sending a clear message. That message? It IS alright to beat down another person and get away with it..Not even on the worst of days is that acceptable. Not today, not back-in-the-day and not in the future</strong>..>>
I wonder if parents realize that allowing children to view certain things can desensitize them to violence..Can in a sense “teach” them violence is acceptable behavior? From watching violence in video games to beating children as a form of discipline to watching /hearing parents physically fight to watching violent movies..Violence is everywhere! Even yesterday as I watched the Sunday football games..OMG..A couple of hard helmet hits & heads snapping back in unnatural positions(and people upset about it being called as a penalty..Wth??) Football IS full of violence..And? This weekend Mayweather got a FILTHY amount of green to BEAT someone down! I care less it is considered a sport; it IS a brutal act. And it is considered acceptable..Where does this mindset end though? >>
The answer is clear..The mindset can result in a 12 year old loss of life due to suicide. The mindset can result in beat downs that result in DEATH. (Like the FAMU band hazing incident..) The mindset can result in folks believing bashing or beating homosexuals is alright..It is NOT. Like many things the answer to the solution isn’t as clear though..It is my belief that keeping quiet about it though is not the answer. How many more young children are going to DIE before the mindset changes? To live in a world where LOVE rules over VIOLENCE will take a lot of us sounding off about it..Anything less just isn’t acceptable. Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)
As I sit perched on the verge of jumping back into the dating scene, after a couple of years voluntary hiatus, I can’t decide which emotion will take front seat. Fear Or excitement? Both emotions are wrestling to over-ride the other..I’m fighting to keep my emotions at bay; especially my fears. Brings to mind a trick I taught my youngest son when he’s struggling with fears, stress or angst..I’ve taught him to picture in his mind the worst-case scenario. Picture it vividly. And then? Imagine how or IF you can deal with it…>>
When I picture the worst-case scenario regarding jumping back into dating( at 50!) or NOT? For me that would be to wind UP never marrying again and riding solo for the rest of my Life Journey..A close girl friend of mine & I discussed the fears of dating again/linking up with a perfect stranger for first date/giving a guy our phone number for the first time..These are scary times we live in these days! But in my heart of hearts what I fear even more so? Not falling IN love one more time…Real talk for real!>>
Fear of wasting my time dating a loser/Fear of discovering an otherwise sane date or potential is a complete psycho/Fear of getting involved with someone only to later discover he’s married! /Fear of giving my heart to someone who is NOT worthy/Fear of my love not being appreciated…I mean the list of fears goes on & on & on & ON..Until I realize IF I continue to think of ALL the things I fear I’ll never take the first step and dip my toe back in the water>>
Truth BE told? I don’t ever recall a time when dating caused me any angst..Just enjoyed it & went with the flow..Mayhaps one of the only disadvantages of turning 50? THINKING THINGS OUT BEFOREHAND..Ugh & dang!>>
In my heart of hearts I’m hoping & praying that my fears will be quickly put to rest once the ice is broken on my dating adventure..Truly I wish for nothing more than to be able to say @ Whew! All that worry & fear was for nothing..Taking the first step is always the most difficult in anything. I used to just leap into things caught UP in spontaneous passion & excitement! Yet now all grown up I find myself pausing before opening the door to possible romantic bliss..Doing so is very foreign & unfamiliar to me. New territory indeed..>>
Thinking back I can recall many times pushing past FEAR & riding through/over/under/around it..No harm, no foul & always felt better AFTER I’d faced it head on..Like the time I rapelled down a structure so high UP in the military; that people below looked like ants! I was beyond terrified..I had a strong FEAR of heights..But in order to pass basic training I had, just had, to rapel off this structure..I tried to “appear” brave in front of all my fellow female cadets..But my knees were trembling/I was sweating bricks!/& little did any of them know I begged /pleaded with the Drill Sgt that was up there with me..I begged him to please NOT let go of me & make me rapel down! Then I begged him not to tell anyone I’d begged & cried & prayed..And when I figured out there was NO way out; except down…I closed my eyes & stepped off. True Private Benjamin I was in all ways..When I got down to the bottom? OMG I was so proud of myself & ready to do it again /again/again/AGAIN..I stood there in disbelief that I’d been so very afraid just a few moments before..So tonight as I fight fear & excitement over dating at 50? My focus is letting the knot of fears go & let the exciting butterflies in my tummy fly freely! And I’ll simply close my eyes, open my heart, and step OFF>>
..~~Some of the BEST moments in life are the ones you cannot tell anyone about…~~
I was nominated for the BEST MOMENT award..Woooo hoooo..As a new blogger its awesome to be read & appreciated by fellow bloggers..My list of over 130 blog spots on WordPress is an amazing list..Chocked full of people I’d never met before I joined WordPress almost a year ago..(with the exception of the person who introduced me to WordPress..) It is with pride I’ll display my BEST MOMENT award logo on my page & sincere thanks to ‘mishunderstood’ for the nomination.Also many thanks for making me feel so VERY special when I recently joined the Fabulous 50s group! I’ll first list my nominees & then the rules of this award(I changed the 15 nominees to 7..Choosing 7 was tough! But 7 is after all a lucky number..) Well actually first check out the link to ‘mishunderstood’s’ blog spot; she always has something positive to read or look at(pictures) on her blog. http://mishunderstood.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/best-moments/
My first nominee is one of the very first blog spots I became hooked ON..He uses humor , wit, and a ton of intelligence to share insightful/POLITICAL, and current events from our country to all over the world..He keeps us abreast of important matters; while also making us smile..Even when it’s not good NEWS. The one & ONLY , List of X.
This next nominee is tied for my #1 fave WordPress blog..He IS always in touch with anything there is to know or read about affairs in D.C..and all political matters of great concern. He researches and lays the FACTS out and always has interesting comments from his loyal audience..He also shares my loyalty in following & supporting our POTUS@ President Barack Obama..And the pictures on his blog site are always a pleasure to see..He’s a true OBAMACRAT through & through! He’s included ALOT of facts/stories about Black History that I personally feel every American could benefit from reading..
When I want my spiritual fix on WordPress this is my go-to spot! She’s my Sista & my church sister; and she’s the one who introduced me to WordPress..Relentless, hard-working, and the QUEEN of multi-tasking..*round of applause* and Yay!
I stumbled across this next blog site because it was Freshly Pressed months ago..A story about her beautiful daughter’s smile! There is always something joyful, beautiful , insightful to read on her blog spot..Hails from Africa and she has a heart of GOLD. So very glad I can call her ‘friend’..
Her name says it ALL..She IS an AWAKE Black Woman..A TON of insight on her blog spot! I’ve yet to read all of it, yet, when I’m reading there I almost always learn something NEW..She’s also included many, many links on her page to other blog sites that are positive & cultural.
This next blog spot spreads a positive message..I always have a warm & fuzzy feeling after reading and sharing comments on his page..
This blog spot is one of the most recent I’ve added to my faves list..I’ve enjoyed interacting with her on both of our spots..Yet another blog spot that I get that nice warm & fuzzy feeling after reading there.
** The rules are as follows for all nominees; including myself(I’ll list my two lists of 7 following the rules) Nominees should do the following(if you wish)=
1. Copy and post the BEST MOMENTS logo on your blog page. (You’ll see mine freshly posted in my side bar)
2. Link back to the person who nominated you…
3. State 7 things about yourself…
4. Nominate 7 other bloggers
5. Name 7 moments you experienced that are dear to your heart..
*** Here are my 2 lists**
7 Things About Myself=
1. I’m a TRUE Cancer in almost every sense of the word..With the exception of the moody part..Thankfully I grew out of that as I grew older/matured/evolved..Born under a water sign I absolutely LOVE the water! Imaginative/intuitive/loyal/loving/nurturing/emotional/& protective are some of the positive traits of a Cancer..
2. My favorite saying that I try hard to live by? LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH.
3. Not many people I’ve met and/or friended in my entire lifetime; that I’m not still good friends with. Including both of my X’s & my X inlaws..My Xmominlaw still calls me daughter & even cross-country we speak often. I treat people as I want to be treated. What you see is what you get..IF I don’t care for ‘ya? I won’t spend time around you. There aren’t many people I can’t find at least one nice thing to say about them..
4. I am an admitted NEAT freak! I can’t think clearly in cluttered or dirty environments…
5. I absolutely LOVE talking to people! Not too many places I go(even the library..though I try to whisper) that someone doesn’t speak to me. This I feel has allowed me to meet people of ALL backgrounds/cultures/genders..love IT
6. I hated liver as a child. I STILL hate it as an adult. Exclamation mark. Period.
7. If I break bread with a person it means I consider them a friend..Meal times were always special times when I was growing up. And for me? It still is.
7 Moments I Hold Dear in my Heart=
1. The moment I held each of my 3 sons in my arms moments after they were born..NOTHING in my life tops that.
2. The first time my Daddy told me he was proud of ME.
3. The moment I realized as a young woman; that my Momma was always going to be my best friend.
4. The moment my now ex husband told me he couldn’t see his life without me in it..And is one of the reasons we’re still good friends till this day. (even cross-country)
5. The moments I watched my sons graduate from high school/graduate school/and soon we’ll watch our first family PhD graduate. It’s so very nice to be a part of such progression..
6. Being able to help host a 50th wedding anniversary dinner/party for my parents last year…Their LOVE has been an amazing thing to see/watch all of my life
7. When I stood on a California spoken word stage at 45 yrs old with knees & nerves shaking to perform a tribute I’d written to Black Women…Some of the beautiful moments in life are the ones we think we don’t have the nerve to DO; but we do it anyway!
**BONUS BEST MOMENT** Don’t want to mess up the lucky 7 roll, BUT , I’ve got to add this..When my best friend of 30yrs plus stood in front of all at my 50th Bday bash this past July & recited a poem she’d written in honor of our friendship. I didn’t even know she wrote poetry..Amazing after 30 yrs can still learn new things about those in our lives..Truly a moment to be cherished I won’t ever, ever 4get..Mad love & regard Lizzard!!!
Alright here we go that age OLD question@ Do MEN prefer beauty or brains when they chose their significant other? Or better yet IF y’all had to choose one or the other, beauty or brains, which would you choose when choosing your lady? And yep, this question is for men only. The topic came up with a male friend of mine & his response blew my hair back! Not that I was born yesterday nor am I naïve; I just thought things might have changed by now. Haven’t they? >>
Now I clearly understand the biological makeUP of men is different from women.. I get that! Men were created to have a strong drive to procreate with as many women as possible..Google it if you don’t believe me. And backintheday when I was a tad bit younger(and dating guys the same age..); I half expected the motives of men to be somewhat fueled by the above fact. Matter of fact like many other little girls my Daddy taught me long ago @ ‘ What most guys truly desire is what is between your legs..’ But , but doesn’t that change as we age, evolve and progress? In my heart of hearts , and this might sound naïve, I thought(or so I’ve been told by my suitors & exhusband) that when a man looks to choose his woman; he’s looking for far more than just SEX. Isn’t that the case for the majority of men? Let me take this one step further..>>
I love being a woman. Every single thing about being a woman..In the dictionary next to the word feminine should be a picture of ME. My favorite color is pink. I dig wearing dresses/skirts/and ultra feminine clothes during the week..All woman. Then again I also dig jumping in to my jeans & getting my strut ON. BUT just as men probably don’t want women to envision them as a big, fat wallet..I’d like to NOT just be thought of as just a pretty face. Long ago I recall a remark my Momma made..Right now I can’t recall who she was talking to; but I’ve never forgotten it. She said @’I am much more than just a pretty face you know!’ Exclamation mark. Period>>
So whats the scoop guys? And give up the non-censored straight-no-chaser answer..Because inquiring minds(all the women reading this…) really want to know. And us single ones; could truly use a heads UP for insight to how men think these days. Your opinion matters so the floor is yours..
It isn’t far-fetched for single people to date more than one person these days..Heck, I’m willing to bet IF more people did prior to marriage; mayhaps the amount of them who cheat AFTER marriage would be on the decline.(..instead of the opposite) But how can a person who believes in monogamous relationships; date multiple people? I’m soon to embark on such a mission to find out! Truth IS many of us back-in-the-day, considered dating, equal to relationship status. It is not though..That isn’t even part of the definition of what dating is. Good ole Wikipedia defines dating as..’Another meaning of the term dating is to describe a stage in a person’s life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people…’ >>
As with anything; there are benefits & drawbacks to multi-dating..Personally? I’ve not yet encountered either because my quest won’t begin till about the end of next month..Yep, I’m a planner! First benefit I can figure out already? Without having even dipped my toe in the water yet , multi-dating is going to broaden my options. And at a much faster pace than if I were to date one person at a time..At 50 yrs of age? TIME is precious and I don’t plan on wasting any of it>>
Let me first be clear about one thing..Dating IS dating IS dating and does NOT mean SEX. Dating also means not in a relationship/not married/& still single UNTIL a mutual committment has been made. Sex clouds & over-rides good judgement. Sex when casually dating is out-of-place for a reason because SEX isn’t a casual happening. Or least that is the way I see it. Exclamation point. Period>>
Another benefit to multi-dating is it keeps the FUN in dating..Takes the pressure off. My take on it at 50 yrs of age? Take me or leave me as I am. If it isn’t a mutual link-up; then we can be friends. Or not..Personally? There aren’t many folks I’ve met in my life, on any level, that we’re not still friends. Mature folks can handle that. And being that I’m now 50 yrs old; I won’t be dating any little boys. >>
Another benefit I anticipate could happen from multi-dating? Gives both parties a chance to perhaps date out of their ‘usual dating type’. Which, btw, I’ve never done..No one is going to be a perfect match & this allows the chance to date an array of personality types. (after all they can’t all look as superb as Shemar Moore.dangit what a shame that is! ) Doesn’t that sound like FUN already?!? >>
Disadvantages? Hmmm I really can’t think of many that doesn’t differ from dating in general..BUT with honesty..How many reading this know of people who date several people at one time ; yet LIE about it? I’m not lying to get a love relationship; and I’m not lying once I’m in one again. Never has been my style..I think there could be folks, men & woman, who can’t handle dating a multi-dater. No worries; toss them back in the pond & move on. No harm, no foul & thankfully didn’t waste each others’ time. Personally? I have no tolerance for folks with a jealous nature anyway..Zilch. I think the transition from dating to a relationship, would be same as only dating one person. With the exception of single status to taken. >>
Ever think about things you’d say now, if you could, to your younger self? I have..And this is the advice & encouragement I’d give to my 21 yr old self>>
Stand by your belief that physical discipline for children isn’t a good thing..While the majority of folks you encounter have told you @Spare the rod, spoil the child..30 yrs from now your sons will be doing remarkable things without having been physically disciplined. There IS something to be said for time-outs/restriction/parental lectures/heavy monitoring & censoring of internet, boob tube time, video game exposure /and implementing a network system with ALL of their friends parents..NO matter how many people question your lack of choosing to use parental physical discipline; it is a decision you nor your parenting partner will regret>>
This is a message that will take you many moons to recognize..You’ll be told this from your parents & a slew of mentors..BUT it will still be hard to put into action! Worrying about things seems to be part of being human and imperfect, however, IF at 21 yrs old I knew what I know now? I’d have never worried about a thing! Things truly do work themselves out for the best..All the time, every single time. Trust in God, hang ON tight, have patience & faith and let go of the reins>>
This is yet another biggie I’d tell my younger self..I learned this the HARD way..When my girl friends wondered(out LOUD) why I’d divorce the person I’d divorced & for the reason I divorced..I swore to myself waybackthen to try VERY hard to stop judging other folks..I didn’t like being on the end of the “judging stick”..What I choose to DO is my choice and likewise for everyone else>>
BE happy with what you’ve got! Exclamation mark. Period. IF wealth were measured in the amount of love in one’s life? You are RICH. Moving right along</strong>>>
Give thanks to God from the moment your feet hit the floor upon waking..It will take you another 20 yrs to realize this..BUT you’ll learn to be thankful to God for everything..Good, bad, ugly. Even waking you UP in the morning is a blessing..There will come a day you’ll thank God for waking you ,your parents, your sons, your vast host of family/extended family of friends..And it will become part of your morning ritual every single morning..>>
You’re a dreamer! You’ve got an active & creative imagination..You think FAR into the future which is excellent for making plans/goals..BUT you’ll eventually learn to enjoy and live the moment. TASTE the present..Listen to the beauty of the sound of the birds early in the morning..Enjoy the STILLness standing outside at O’dark thirty as you gaze UP at the stars in the sky…STOP to bend down to smell the flowers..This is all a part of natural beautiful stress-relievers created for all by God..>>
It will take you another 20 yrs to realize this! IF there were just ONE thing I could change..I’d like to have learned this sooner..Since that is hardly possible; you’ll be thankful you finally got IT>>
IF you quit when all others would’ve; you’d NEVER have reached your lifelong goals/dreams..Even when you think you’ve seen your last happy days..Don’t give UP. Don’t lose HOPE..It only gets better from here so hang ON>>
One day you’ll be thankful your parents taught you this valuable lesson..It will be something you stand by for all of your life..You’ll not care what type of car your man drives nor how much money is in his wallet..For it will matter to you FAR more how he treats you & the size of his heart..That is a lesson that will be tenfold in rewards..>>
I could literally think of a cazillion more things I’d say to my younger self..But now its your turn..What would YOU say to your younger self if you could? Would you (or did you) give the same advice to your own children?
Piggy -backing on a cute & great -for- dialogue piece I read on OM’s blog site last night(can find the blog site addy on my faves list) Their piece was of course about questions women ask men; I of course decided to do a piece on the opposite..Majority of my friends are guys & it has been that way all of my life. Over the years they’ve asked me some really cool & WILD questions about women…Here are 10 of popular questions men want to know about women; but are afraid to ASK>>
#1 The number ONE question guys want to know about woman IS..Why ARE women such BITCHES during their period?!?
Fair enough question..And since I’m a straight-shooter I don’t mince words with my answer…Here I go head first>>
I really AM going to respond to the question at hand..Just found this picture though & can’t resist adding it>>
The answer is simple and especially so if one understands the process a woman’s body goes through EVERY month. I won’t bore y’all with a biology session(google it if you don’t already know..) Women DO experience a multitude of hormonal changes each month of every single year…So there is no faking-the-funk about the mood swings. It is REAL..And it is a part of reality that, we as women, have no choice but to deal with..Some of us do it with more grace than others…Some of us experience much more pain than others; monthly like clockwork..From the time I had my first period at 12 yrs of age; there was great pain monthly. Most first days I was floored! And yet worked many first days in my career..Gritted teeth and armed with Midol/Tylenol/Aleve..That cycle of pain lasted until just last Monday..Thats a long, long time guys! From 12 yrs old to 50 yrs old..As a man can you think of 1 thing y’all do for that long that brings you physical pain?!? Toss in the children WE bear over the years & the labor pains & ish we go through to bring Life into the World..YOUR children…I recall my ex-husband recently saying , “How come other women I’ve met act a fool during their period & you don’t? Don’t you get mood swings?” Yep, I do! But I’ve learned how to maintain & just dig my heels IN & lean forward to deal with it. I don’t like being around BITCHES. I hate the times that I act like a BITCH(and I do have the capability when I’m at the top of my pisstivity..) My preference though is to not act like a bitch; especially towards my loved ones..So why would I treat someone I care about or love like dirt, just cause I feel AWFUL? There are prices to pay for having the ability to bring Life into the World..There are prices to pay for loving a woman who has that ability. WE luv ya though! And we don’t mean the nasty, ugly, bitchy things we say during our period..Letting us know we’re just as beautiful during our time of the month helps..Because truth be told WE feel like yuck & less than sexy..Or least that is how I used to feel when I had my period..BUT as of last Monday I don’t have that issue anymore. YAY! Moving right along to Question #2>>
#2 Why DO women fake orgasms? Yet another great question that guys really want to know(yep! they know you’re faking IT) and don’t know how to ask the question>>
This is a difficult question for me to tackle..I’ve NO experience to speak from on this one. I will NOT fake an O. I feel NO need to fake an O. And IF an O isn’t earned; I don’t feeeeel it should be given a fake celebration. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…I take orgasms to heart. Matter of fact I guess I’m spoiled I equate SEX with O’s…Always come hand in hand for me and I thank God & my lucky stars for that! Nevertheless I’ve had those “girl” talks and apparently this isn’t something that comes(no pun intended..) as easily for all women. Had to catch myself many times from saying, OMG why not just tell him what to do so you don’t have to fake IT. Another time I almost said , Good grief I feel SO sorry for you..I bit my tongue on that occasion cause no one wants to hear they’re getting the short end of the stick(literally…) I say all of this to say my answer to the question IS multi-layered..a. Some women have never had an O ; so they figure it best to fake it for YOU. b. Most women know a man’s ego is amped UP when he knows he’s pleased his wife /significant other physically. c. Alot of women are so uncomfy speaking to their guy @ SEX; they don’t know how to bring themselves to tell him what they like..I guess they think it will hurt his feelings to KNOW he’s not getting the mission accomplished…On the other hand my guy friends are very open with their feelings on the matter..They’d prefer if a woman would just tell them what to DO to help them reach an orgasm. Jeez go figure the solution is probably just that simple. Enough said>>
#3 question guys want to ask their woman = How can you discuss our sex life with your girlfriends?
I’m not down with this one either..I think what we do as a couple behind closed doors; should rightfully stay behind closed doors. Much as I dig my girlfriends it isn’t their business how good my husband is putting it on me in the bedroom! The BIG koolaid smile on my face should be a clue..Having said that as women we do have healthy girl-fest chats..I just don’t feel its cool to talk too much about the ultra-personal nature of one’s love relationship. I’d not want my husband to tell his friends about my goodies either! I do know though that as women we process things/experiences verbally…Well not all of us, but a lot of us DO. This certainly translates to chatting with our girlfriends…But there should be a line drawn at what is discussed about current love relationships. Past relationships ? That is an entire different matter and it IS discussed, at will , with our girlfriends…So the best
excuse reason I can give for women who talk their current sex lives with their girlfriends? They get caught UP while conversing & forget momentarily it is a topic they shouldn’t discuss with their friends>>
#4 . Does SIZE matter or not with women?
Ego-busting question alert! The answer is what most guys think it IS..Even though many a woman has LIED to her man and said the opposite..Truth be told yep! size DOES matter..And I’ll give my best explanation as I can muster up on why>>
I’ll try to keep this response brief..Though in actuality it is a topic which is worthy of its very own post..Based on reading an array of books/magazines/personal experience/experiences recanted to me by girl friends/& recent survey findings of the Journal of Sexual Medicine SIZE matters about a vaginal orgasm. Those type of orgasms were achieved by a longer penis. Probably because a longer one can stimulate the full length of the vagina & the cervix. Makes perfect sense, right? Thus women who have only had vaginal orgasms and not clitoral orgasms; said they prefer a longer penis. Now most of us grown folks know that women can have an O by other than just sexual intercourse..Heck, a woman can “think” herself to a peak! Also a clitoral O differs from a vaginal O; and those women who have peaked from a clitoral O feel that size does NOT matter…However, it’s also been concluded that since the front wall of the vagina is so close to the internal parts of the clitoris; stimulating the vagina without activating the clitoris should be quite impossible..So vaginal orgasms could just be the same as clitoral orgasms!Hope all of that jibberish makes as much sense to y’all ; as it does to me. Women who are comfy in their sexuality have learned that so to them size does NOT matter..Moving right along>>
#5 Why is it SO important to women that guys put the toilet seat DOWN???>>
This is another question that deserves a full post on its own..I’ll try to keep it brief..Quite honestly I think it is self-explanatory..A toilet seat comes WITH a lid for a REASON. Jeeeez..IF it was meant to be wide open like a hole outside in the ground; would it have a lid? Nope, I don’t think it would..Plus it looks better with the lid down! And the MOST important reason of all is that some of us women are sick & tyeeed of falling down into your toilet when we stumble, in the dark half-sleep, to use the potty. That is one very rude awakening..Bottom line is this IF men want their sweet cute fine significant other to stay over-night? PUT THE SEAT DOWN. It seems to me to be a no-brainer..As for husbands? When Momma is happy; everyone IS happy. And when Momma is wet from using the potty in the dark??? Well I think y’all can figure that one out..Next question>>
#6 Why do women love to shop SO much? Why do women have to buy SO many shoes??>>
This is the first topic I’m going to say what should’ve been clear from the onset..I can’t speak for ALL women..First things first. I have a shoe fetish. I readily admit it..I love shoes! And I’ve got a lot of them…BUT I only shop sales..I won’t pay full price for anything..Unless it is an emergency and I don’t have time to shop for a sale. And yep, there are such things as clothes/shoes emergencies..I get a warm fuzzy feeling from shopping..Just makes me feel gooood. I will shop for any /everyone..Family/friends/coworkers/and of course me..I’ve found one of the quickest ways to lift my own spirits? GO shopping..woooo hoooo. So I would guess other women that shop , a lot, feel the same way..But I also get a form of daily exercise on a lot of weekdays..By walking the full length of the mall on my lunch break..So I look at it as a win/win situation..Never in my life have I forced my man /husband to go shopping with me. Just please don’t ask me to go golfing with you! I have done more time on golf courses than I care to recall & I hate it..It is one boring activity! Except for driving around in the little carts; which I’ve mastered. There are some things couples should do alone..If my future husband doesn’t like shopping I’ll be just fine with that..I’ve no problem shopping by myself. Answer to the question IS , women shop because it makes them feel good to shop. They enjoy it. And we don’t make it mandatory for you to come shop with us… Exclamation point. Period. >>
#7 Why do women stress about SO many things?>>
What I probably should’ve added from the get-go is this: Not all women act/think/behave/or stress in the same manner..Handling stress & pressure is a skill set; and some women have better coping skills than others..Having said ALL of that we women have ALOT of pressure on us these days>>
We as women wear a multitude of hats..In the dictionary under multi-tasking; there should be a picture of a woman! We feel pressure to be the best Mom/the best wife/we feel pressure to cook our own meals/to grow or buy organic veggies/to be fabulous over-achievers at work/to be or feel young/to have a hobby/to be part of church and social organizations/to join PTA/to be politically & culturally aware..and IF we have over 30 mins spare time? We’ll quickly find something to DO..Truly like hamsters on a wheel! And on top of all of that we work out as much as possible & eat healthier than we’ve ever done before..WOW thats a lot. Add to that the fact that we’re told stressing isn’t good for our overall health or well-being..Ask any woman who stresses if she wants to stress? I’m willing to bet the answer is NO. We’re a work in progress and constantly try to not stress on things..It is why couple get-a-ways from timetotime are so greatly appreciated by us. So instead of asking your woman why does she stress about so many things? Ask her if there is anything YOU can do to reduce her stress load from timetotime..Or just surprise her with unexpected plans for a weekend get-a-way..The rewards will be heaven-sent!
#8 Why do women ask their man questions that they really do NOT want an honest answer to? (such as the classic , “Honey do I look fat in this outfit?“>>
This is honestly a question I’ve never asked anyone; let alone my man. But from what I’ve heard on the topic? My BEST advice to guys? Do NOT answer the question. There is NO correct answer. Any answer you respond with will only get you in trouble with your woman. I have to assume either its insecurity that a woman would ask this question OR she’s fishing for compliments.(if it’s the latter case you’re not on your JOB complimenting your woman) IF I were faced with such a question I’d re-direct..Flip the script! Because yep, it is more than likely a set UP. Re-direct by saying something like @ Now baby you know I think you look good in anything you wear! Or something..just don’t answer the first question. Honestly? IF your communication is healthy & honest in your relationship; I’d ask her why would you ask me such a question hon when probably nothing I say is going to be the RIGHT answer????
#9 Why do women continue to wear so much make-up/fake nails/fake hair/high heels/etc. ; when its clear men prefer natural beauty?>>
Not all women revolve their lives,including their appearance, on what men will think..Having said that a great deal of us, do wish to look pleasing to men. IF you’re single , heterosexual woman this should be a given..Some women don’t have the confidence to just be a natural beauty..Other women have been taught or shown that beauty comes in makeup bottles! (and don’t realize TOO much makeup looks terrible; not to mention it suffocates the skin thus aging them quicker…) Personally I like a small amount of makeup to accent my beauty; which is why I think makeup was created. I ditched the fake nails a few years back(and natural nails keeps so much more money in my pocket) and fake hair was never my style..I can totally understand why men prefer natural beauty. IF men made themselves UP & when I saw them without all the get UP; and they looked totally different? I’d feel like I’d been duped. And that is exactly what men feel when women do the same. Enough said. >>
#10 Why do women stop wanting SEX after they’ve linked up by marriage ?>>
I honestly can’t even begin to answer this question. I’ve no experience with this ISSUE. And I view it as a major issue. Marriage in my opinion is the only legitimate situation to have as MUCH sex as one pleases. Freely and without all the pressure of having to have safe sex outside of marriage. I also do NOT think women stop “wanting” to have sex. I feel women enjoy it just as much as men. Some women however feel it isn’t lady like to admit it. There is nothing further from the truth. We’re human. And I’m sure its confusing as heck to men to be involved with a woman who loved sex before marriage(to get him); and then nip it in the bud or limit it after marriage…
Well that is all for now folks. Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed! 4 ever Sincere, Berna (the 1 & only)
I struggled to think of a happy topic to leave as my last blog prior to surgery..And then it hit me! I’ll blog on a topic I’ve come to LOVE. The pursuit of happiness..>>
**Happiness is a direction, not a place** Quote by Sydney J Harris
It is my belief that happiness IS relative..I believe it is based on what OUR expectation of happiness IS..Have you thought about what your definition of happiness IS? And IF not; how can you reach a state of being that you’ve not yet defined? Hmmmm..Well I’ve thought about what my utopic state would be in all aspects. I don’t base my happiness on other folks “appearance” of being happy either..I do NOT believe that money buys happiness nor does beauty..Lets take Halle Berry for example. Voted without a doubt as one of the world’s most beautiful women. And to boot she is rich…Yet, based on some of her actions/behavior not for ALL the tea in China would I trade shoes with Halle. Lest anyone forget she had a hit & run incident in which she left a person maimed! When she showed UP in court with a band-aid on her face, and the victim bandaged from head-to-toe in a wheelchair, I didn’t see view that as a person who was HAPPY. Not as defined by my happy meter. And IF they’d tested her alcohol level that night??? I’m sure that her day in court would’ve ended totally different..For the record? I think Halle is a beautiful woman. (even sans make-up she is beautiful) But in addition I’d like to add EVEN Halle can’t pull off wearing this outfit..Pregnant or not, beautiful or not; this is ONE ugly arse outfit!!! Gets a zero on my happy meter>>
Now there are some that would have us believe that HAPPINESS is a constant state of mind..I firmly believe that is a load of poppycock! Who on this earth is happy ALL the time? I’d like to see what that type of person looks like..So IF you’re out there please hold your hand UP; and post a picture. Please..I’ve lived a long time. 50 years and counting..Thank God for that every single day..Anyways I digress..Long as I’ve lived even the happiest folks I know ; have days they’re in a FUNK. I have come to feel it is a normal part of life..The trick IS snapping ourselves out of those funk-mood-type-of-moments/days. And guess what? WE have the power to do just that. I know because I do it. And IF I can do it, anyone can. It works if you work IT..Works the opposite way as well though..We can downspiral with our thoughts/moods in the same fashion. But when one learns themselves(which I feel is the key…) can change the motion of those negative thoughts when they begin. Some of us have things that can trigger those negative thoughts & by all costs WE must nip them in the bud..I’m an expert on such things for I’ve lived it; and learned to combat it. Happiness IS a direction & that direction can be a constant forward motion>>
Riddle me this..How can any of us truly know what happiness feels like; If we’ve not lived through the opposite feeling? Known as sad moments/events/experiences…Also known as rainy days. Many who truly know me know I simply HATE rainy days! I honestly do..Having lived on the Right Coast(Cali..West Coast still RULES..) for the better part of 20 yrs I’ve not seen a lot of rain. However , I did live through some really rainy blue down days there..On the flip side of that? In my new home on the Left Coast(Ahhh but I’m growing to love it here too..) I’ve seen a TON of rain outside..Yet, because of the frame of mind I’m in now? Even walking outside on the darkest of rainy days; I’m full of laughter/smiles/and JOY..Sometimes one can dance in the rain even when they HATE the rain..It is a force-learned habit..I just refuse to let the unhappy moments take over my life ever again. And IF I can do it; anyone can>>
When is the last time you thought about what it would take for you to BE happy? What is your utopia? And what are YOU doing to make it come about? Did you know that being happy IS a choice we can make? >>
I think most of us FIGHT to be happy..IN a world full of negative images/sound clips/boob tube flicks/unheavenly things going on from America to kingdom come; we’ve NO choice but to sink or swim..We can choose to sink down into the muck & mire OR fight/claw our way on and UPward to happiness. I feel happiness though differs for all of us. Some of us might be happy as a kid in a candy store living in an 800 square foot cute Lil apartment! While others might require a 5,000 square foot house for them to be happy..But I once met folks living on skid row in Los Angeles that were full of laughter & joy & SMILES. I’d not have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes..It was a field trip my exMominLaw took me on that I’ll never forget. Taught me, humbled me!, that being happy doesn’t cost a dime. God gives us a chance at happiness every time he wakes us UP. Or so its my belief..My happiness is driven by simple things.* Being a LOVED child of God. LOVE in my life. Security. Peace in my home/Within my family/On my job. LOVE of my career. Strong Personal Relationships with my family & my extended family of friends. LOVE in my life that surrounds me & comforts me. & Peace of mind * Any/Everything else in my life is extra. Took me a long time to realize that. And I am happy. At long last..Well y’all that’s a wrap until post-surgery. I can say I’ll miss YOU all! Miss me while I’m away…Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & BLESSED. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & Only)
Don’t 4get to show me some LOVE while I’m away!!! I won’t feel like writing but trust & believe I’ll be reading
I simply could NOT pass up re-blogging this write..This young man gets IT
From BOY to MAN
Living under the roof of a two parent house hold, you learn the value of love. Life as a boy for me was mostly all about learning how to become a man. It’s nothing like having a father figure to help you understand how to walk, talk, treat a lady and firmly shake hands as well as look another man in his eye as respect. Understanding at a young age how to honor God and follow his commandments on top of respecting morals brings an abundance of wisdom and discernment to escape peer pressure and scope out trouble from miles away. Having morals and following his commandments proactively helped me as a boy think with my brain and not with my man hood. If I would have thought with my man hood it could have created issues that could have followed me when I became a…
View original post 832 more words
Before I sink my teeth into this topic 1st keep in mind I added UNSOLICITED advice..That is the only hint at a disclaimer I’ll include with this one..One thing that really chaps my fanny? To witness someone/ANYone/Lots of folks; ruining something that I long for..And somebody has to say IT; so it might as well be lil ol me. MARRIED FOLKS IN THIS GENERATION ARE GIVING MARRIAGE A BAD NAME. Y’all ready for this? Here I come with both barrels loaded>>
Main reason I’m on “one”? I’ve tired, naw tyeeed , of getting hit on by married men! I’ll explain more about that in a short bit..First the positively positive proof that things have gone awry with the marriage game is the grand prize winner..Tiger Woods. OMG What the heck was Tiger even thinking by getting hitched??? I actually lost count(cause I was so disappointed in Tiger I stopped reading about the scandal..) of the amount of women he cheated with during his marriage..But it was ALOT. Jeeeeez all he did was make t his ex-wife richer than she ever could’ve dreamed of! Did she drop those 2 kids fast or what?!? Something tells me though she knew exactly what type of man she married..Sorry Tiger ‘I loves ya Bro’ , however, your actions were beyond LAME. Enough said>>
Now many of us have met folks we KNEW were in bad marriages..Or at least what “we” define as a bad marriage..Usually involving domestic violence or cheating..Personally I consider cheating in the top 2 reasons I’d seriously consider divorce.(been there done that..) Apparently these days though either spouses are: a. turning a VERY blind eye to their cheating spouse’s activities OR b. also cheating..The even weirder thing? I’ve heard of folks getting cheated on multiple times before marriage & STILL walking down the isle..I just don’t get IT>>
Don’t get me wrong for I can TOTALLY understand that married folks love SEX..Sex, in my humble opinion, is one of the most natural human urges we possess. 2nd only to consuming food/water..However, hows about using some DISCIPLINE? Dang! For some that are celibate due to vocation(priests, nuns, etc..) or due to waiting it out(more like toughing it out at this point) in pursuit of quality over quantity; its been proven that discipline sexually can be achieved. Bottom line IS if you can’t keep your pants/panties ON while married : a. don’t leave the house ! b. don’t get married c. be honest with spouse & give them the option of leaving your fanny(cause truth is these days being promiscuous is downright dangerous) >>
Back to how this impacts me..I believe in monogamy. I believe in marriage..Exclamation mark. Period. I’ll openly admit BOTH of those institutions(for lack of a better word right now..) are very difficult to maintain..Its hard to walk a straight line; my fingers are trembling at the thought even as I typed that..Nevertheless I stand as a witness(my parents marriage of 52 yrs & counting..) and from my own personal experience that when maintained in a mutual healthy manner? Monogamous marriage IS the ultimate love relationship in every possible way. Backintheday folks took their marriage vows to heart @ Till death do us part/For better or worse/In sickness & health & of course ‘What GOD has joined no man can divide’..Somewhere in those vows I’d like to believe that didn’t include a laundry list of other partners like Tiger..Didn’t it? Or have marriages always been soiled with serial cheating? As usual my questions invoke more questions..>>
Having said all the above..WHY is it that all the HOT guys these days are MARRIED? Lawd! I can’t be the only one that notices this..And WHY aren’t their marriage bands soldered onto their fingers?!? Better yet they should have a big, fat tattoo on their forehead that says ‘I AM MARRIED’. Better yet hows about married men just STOP hitting on single women? Go figure it could actually be that simple. The part that is truly deceptive is approaching a single woman/acting single/she has no clue/& then gets slammed couple hours into the conversation with “I really dig you. Alot! But I’m sort of married” WOW talk about false advertising..IF I were POTUS the first law I’d put into place? ALL MARRIED PEOPLE MUST WEAR THEIR WEDDING BANDS>>
The more I think about it this must be a Southern ‘thang…Honestly? It wasn’t something I recall having to deal with on the West Coast..Could that possibly mean there were more faithful married guys there? Hmmmm Is it something in the tropical air that makes guys FORGET they have a wife at home? Or is the new norm for marriage? I most certainly hope it isn’t because I, for one, am so looking forward to marriage again..One last time for the rest of this life journey..I’m sure I’ll turn a blind eye to most of my next husband’s faults..For I fall short of perfection myself..BUT if he ever ‘EVA tries to walk out of the house without his wedding band on?!? I’ll let y’all figure out what my solution will be to that scenario. And that’s the end of my rant/vent ..Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & Only)
*crickets chirping* No comments from the peanut gallery? I’d love to read comments from the happily married folks out there..And because I enjoy learning from an array of viewpoints; I’d love to hear from earlier serial cheaters..Or even folks who have cheated once & learned from the experience..Heck, I wouldn’t mind reading comments from someone/anyone who is now cheating..ALL comments/viewpoints will be respected ; I promise..Most of all I’m curious IS marriage still the IN thing? Or has it become an outdated tradition? Come on folks sound off & lets rap>>
Berna, you had mentioned that you wanted to try out online dating to find your soul mate. I think it’s a great way to meet people, and you definitely should try it. But, as you know, you can’t always trust an online profile, and as a guy, I must warn you of a few types of guys you should stay away from based on their profiles…
1) The guy’s profile picture is his shirtless photo: Avoid: this guy is clearly so broke that he can’t even afford to buy a shirt>>
** It is my HONOR to present as my first GUEST POST(yay!) to y’all the awesome ONE & only , List of X! He’s my fave fellow W.P. blogger and someone I also feel comfy enough to call “friend”..As soon as I find pictures to accompany the rest of his list of 10, I’ll post the rest of his list. Always funny yet with a hint of REALness ; his lists have become infamous on WordPress….**
..Well, I was going to ad-lib on the 10 on the list..HOWEVER..It appears that many are waiting on this list..THIS is so so exciting! So without further delay here is the rest of the LIST from the ‘List of X’>>
2) The guy has a professional profile photo where he looks suspiciously like Brad Pitt: Skip, unless you are prepared to deal with his furious wife that looks suspiciously like Angelina Jolie.
Station BREAK..OMG I can’t go any further yet without saying one little thing..I think I just might have to deal with Angelina’s wrath IF I got the chance to spend an hour with BRAD PITT..OMG..Hate to think things like that; BUT just ONE hour and *ahem* Brad would be saying , “Angelina WHO???” Alright I’m finished day dreaming; moving right along>>
3) The guy is “looking for a serious relationship”: Be careful: that doesn’t mean that the guy wants to get married and have children. He may just be lacking any sense of humor.
4) The guy sends you a personal message consisting of “Hi” with three or more spelling errors: Edit him out: do you really want to let this guy write your life story with you?
5) The guy’s profile picture is a photo taken from a far away. Stay away: how could you expect to be close to that guy, if he can’t even convince his photographer to get within walking distance of him?
6) The guy put “having fun” as the only entry in the “Hobbies and interests” section: Run! The guy probably didn’t get specific about what he considers “fun” only because his idea of “fun” is illegal in all 50 states.
7) The guy’s profile photo shows him sitting in an expensive sports car. Steer clear of him: the guy is either a rich arrogant jerk, or was just caught stealing the car of some rich arrogant jerk.
8) The guy’s photo that was obviously cropped to remove another woman: the guy apparently spends all his time hugging a woman, and since you can’t be with him at all times, he’ll be hugging someone else when you’re not looking. Crop out his profile before it’s too late.
9) The guy’s only profile picture is a photo of his junk. Beware; the guy is former Congressman Anthony Weiner.
10) The guy is holding a gun in his profile picture. By the size of the gun, you can already tell that the guy is compensating for something, and it’s probably not the lack of security in his neighborhood.
BONUS because I didn’t want to waste ANY of List of X’s creativity!
The guy is wearing sunglasses in all his profile pictures: This may mean one of the three things: the guy is a vampire, or weed smoker, or always has to cover up the black eye from constant bar fights.
I’ve waited ALL day long figuring someone/ANYone would sound off on this topic while I was offline..Certainly someone out there has a good, JUICY story to share about an online dating experience? Or how about a nightmarish online dating incident? Anyone out there on the verge of taking the plunge by joining an online dating site??? Trying to save my comments until someone comments..So come on y’all sound OFF & share…
..I don’t think WE ever stop learning..Even AT 50 yrs of age & HOLDING; I am learning..IF I’m nothing else I’m a constant work IN progress..I say that often out loud so that I never 4get that I do NOT know everything..Things are changing in my world & yours; daily..One thing I’ve learned in 50 yrs IS that everything changes..That is the ONLY constant in this life journey@ Change IS a normal part of LIFE..The key , I think, is learning to HANG ON as our world changes around us..’Tis not always an easy task. By far! But recently a younger 1st cousin said something while speaking in front of those attending my 50th Bday FABulous affair..He said , ” While spending time with my cousin(ME) on this visit; I got VALIDATED. For some of her characteristics; I share! It made me realize alrighttt there is someone who exists who is ALOT like me. And that matters…” What my younger cousin didn’t realize is that his comment struck home for me..How IMPORTANT our very BEing can impact those in our family! He hit it right on the nail-head of WHY family interactions are so very , very IMPORTANT. Some of us due to circumstance have migrated far from our families..Nontheless WE have to strive to maintain familial contacts & connections..The generations behind US; are watching us..Even when we don’t realize they’re learning from us either what 2 DO or what NOT to do in their own life journey..>>
..While attending an event not so long ago; I was fortunate to hear a dynamic keynote speaker speak on the importance of FAMILY. She has attained her PhD & is of African & African-American background..The words she spoke resonated in my ear drums..She said ” FAMILY is like a CORPORATION”.
Family = Corporation structure..The premise of this concept originates from Africa..And when I heard it spoken it immediately sounded familiar to my ears..I’d heard something very similar explained to me by my own Dad..Family should , rightfully, consist of all past ancestors, present living family members, and all future unborn family members. Said members are symbolically a corporation..Each living participant has a role to play; and their own weight to carry. Mission? Advancement and progression of the family..>>
..It is my Belief(one of many..) from what I’ve gathered in mental notes, observations and what I’ve been taught since birth by my parents..One simply can NOT properly advance forward without knowing from where they come from..Which means learning from ALL of their ancestors who walked before them/sacrificed before them/and some even gave their very lives for US to be here today..IF we don’t stand united as family members tied together by blood; we then dishonor them . I’ll take that one step further & say if we don’t stay united(no matter how far apart in miles..) we make our ancestors lives & deaths equal nothing..And what a shame that would be! I’ve learned in my life that without the love of my family & extended family of friends; I’d not be the person I am today. And thankfully I happen to love & fully embrace the person I’ve become..What a beautiful feeling that I love to share with anyone I encounter..IT is that good. **I very recently told a special 1st cousin of mine; that WE are now the elders..And that if we don’t do our part to work hard to keep our families connected; that our children & grandchildren will lose..They won’t have the oh-so-wonderful memories we have of family that we have..I promised him I’d do my utmost to make sure I do all within my power to stay connected..And IF all families do that, I think, we can then link UP together. As ONE. I truly in my heart of hearts feel that is the way God intended for things to be..We live NOW in a time of “Only me for me” type of mentality. How wrong that IS on so many levels…It is time to get back to the basics of what our culture is about..A culture within a culture can truly exist & rightfully should…Until I write/read y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed! 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)
..It’s NO secret I loved being married!/miss being married/and WILL be married one last time..Its also no secret I’ve been on the longest dating-marriage-hiatus I’ve ever been on..3 yrs to be exact..Its been good for me & I’ve used my time wisely to do ME..But enough is enough..For one thing this celibacy thing is NO laughing matter..It GOT real rough(I actually think I went through WITHdrawals..Ugh)..And end of September? Once I clear a few more things off my to-do list; I’m officially putting myself back on the market. I might even become a multi-dater for a quick minute; because time is precious..And? My next deadline is rapidly approaching..I said I’d be “engaged” by the end of the year I made 50 yrs old. So its time for me to get a social life & get BUSY. Y’all ready for this list of wife material stuff? >>
( These aren’t in any specific order at all..Just a list of things I learned from experiencing marriage/experience divorce UGH I do NOT ever want to go through divorce again/observing my parents marriage of 51 yrs and going strong../taking notes from my male friends.
> Ladies, do NOT ask for your significant other’s OPINION; if you really don’t want to hear the truth. Excellent friend of mine told me, ‘ Do NOT ask a question; that you really do NOT want the answer to’ For instance..That pathetic question @ Honey, do I look FAT in this dress??? OMG knowing dang full well that IF he says you DO look like a fat; you’re going to be MAD at him for the rest of the night..2nd part of this IS..Appreciate your man’s opinion for what it IS. His opinion…If you can’t appreciate/respect/and truly LISTEN to your man’s opinion? Then your man just might be with the wrong woman. Moving right along>>
ONE of guys biggest pet peeves about women IS the nagging & whining! Ladies? IF you’ve got something that you’re SO unhappy about it makes you whine & bitch & moan alll the time; work to CHANGE it. It really IS just that simple..What is funny about it is women who whine & complain? Do NOT like to be around other woman who do it..So WHY torture your man with it? I might catch some heat from women for that; but y’all know it is the TRUTH. And to piggy back on that; I’m a heterosexual woman and I get tired of being around women who NAG. OMG enough is enough..IF you feel the need to nag & correct & micromanage your man allll the time? Then you might just be with the WRONG man..Quietly agree to be just friends..IF he doesn’t figure it out first and RUN>>
Don’t “act” one way to snag your man; then change UP …Most men want you to be REAL..They’ll respect that alot more than “airs” & “fakeness”..Bottom line is it is either a match or not..And it is better to know before marriage; and not during the marriage. People evolve as it is..Part of the magic of long-term relationships is maintaining ‘the connection’; through the evolvements..BUT if you start with being a LIE; than said relationship is doomed from the onset. >>
Appreciate and RESPECT your man..IN public or alone together; men want to be respected just as women do. I hear women say often; they want to marry UP..I’ve yet to meet a man though who wants to be treated like a big, fat wallet! Times have changed; we women saw to that when we GOT the liberation we wanted..Respect & appreciate your man & he’ll spoil you forever..>>
Contrary to the rumor , from what I’ve heard, men don’t marry bitches..So forget what you heard..Men are attracted to women who are genuine and kind. It isn’t something that can be faked nor conjured up either..Just comes naturally. And when you treat your guy like a king; he’ll treat you like the queen that you are>>
I’ll be back on this topic in September when I’m back on the market..Till then happy hunting girlfriends!
....I’m “almost” speechless..Note I said almost..I’d NOT be true to myself IF I didn’t say a few words..But I’ll use brevity(I’m still working on that; even at 50 yrs old..OMG I am 50 years old today..WOW) as I attempt to express(this might be an important thing for our sons to read 1 day/or our unborn grandchildren/or whoever) how I feel right this moment. Or better yet how I felt when I woke UP this morning at O’Dark Thirty on the day that marks the 50th YEAR I’ve been alive..Y’all ready for this??? >>
I’m almost in fear of writing too many words right now..What I am feeling is ALOT of emotions..Alot and very. What majority of y’all reading this do not know IS..There was a time onceuponatime ago; I did NOT think I’d make it to see my 50th birthday! And that is one of the many, many reasons this birthday is so, SO very special to me. I am very elated to be here. Still. Still standing. I am very blessed to be here! Still able to share, and to loveeeee, and to share love, and to try to give, give to others mayhaps a tidbit or 2 from my vast lifes’ experiences that just might make their journey a tad bit easier..(yep, I know thats an awful run -on sentence but right now not feeling like proofing) When I first woke this morning I first thought wooowwww I made IT. I am 50 today. Thank YOU my God for “allowing” to still be here. And then? Now this may sound crazy ; but I don’t care this is true stuff! I began looking at my fingers, my toes!, my legs, I reached up to touch my nose, my eyes, my ears!, I ran to the mirror…I just had to make sure ALL of my body parts were still there & in working order. I just had to SEE if I looked any different at 50 yrs old. I stood there in the mirror thinking , “Ok, this is what 50 yrs old looks like. I can deal with that. I am ready to do this 50s thing!” Now I won’t bore y’all with what came after that..Lets just say I balled like a baby. Nor am I ashamed to admit it. I am that happy. I am feeling that filled with emotion. They say sometimes pictures capture a million words..So I’ve found a few pictures to finish this special post. I’ve got a busy, busy day greeting our SONS at the airport..Yay! They are coming to celebrate 50 years of their Ma’s/Momma’s/Mom’s Life..From as far as California & Michigan; and I’m so excited I can barely see straight. I wish each & everyone reading this a very SAFE and fun 4th of July. Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna (the 1 N only)
..here are a few more I could not resist adding..I got carried away; BUT it is after all my birthday and I can do whatEVA I want today. Lol, lol!
AFTERthought= Because I blog without censoring and honestly without proofing..I tend to from time2time leave something out..So I’m piggybacking myself with this special sentiment..The MOST important & valuable LESSON I’ve learned at 50 years of Lifes’ Experience? Nothing and I mean NOTHING can replace nor even come close to being a substitute for FAMILY and LOVE. Luckily I’m Blessed; so those 2 things come hand in hand in my Life. I USED to take that for granted; until I met folks in my Life Journey who has neither. I’ll go one step further to say this..It was NOT until Life has stripped me BARE and NAKED of all MATERIAL things! that I came to truly! appreciate the things that matter most to ME. When I had absolutely NOTHING , literally had given away or sold allll of my material possessions(car, house, furniture, everything…) except for the clothes on my back(well and suitcases full and a ton of shoes, but everything else) and a very, very BIG box of 50 years worth of pictures of my sons, my parents, my husbands, my extended family of friends..When I had the very least, which was 0, did I begin to feel RICH. And I mean that will all of my heart, my soul, my being. It matters less than a hot dayum what type of car a person drives. Nor how expensive one’s home is NOR how many square feet in their home..Matters nothing to me what brand of clothes a person wears. Or how much one paid for a pair of shoes or purse or jewelry..Or anything. I don’t care how much money a person makes! What I RESPECT and need from those that I love/adore is to know who they are WITHout any material possesion..That to me is what matters. For? There are times in this Life we might just have no material possessions; and we still at those times have to love & respect Self. If WE get too connected to material things! we just might lose sight of that..The things that matter in this Life, I feel, are the things we can NOT see. Love, Fellowship, Togetherness, Love!, FAMILY, Friends & Friends & Friends, Laughter, Smiles! and LOVE.
**Ask ANY single, eligible woman about her “LIST” and without even asking you to specify “what list”..Off she’ll go with giving you an INdepth description of what she longs for in a significant other. I believe it’s a list that begins to form in a woman’s mind from the time of little girlhood. (a Berna’ism so don’t look for that phrase in any dictionary) The List comes into existence all on its OWN. Compiled from the onset starting with HOW a little girl feels about her very own Father/Daddy/Pops/Dad/Pa..Add to that her life experiences & lessons learned in her love relationships. Here I go are y’all ready for this? I stay ready and I’m more than ready for my The One to discover me. Here is my new-revised-and-improved-“List”. –All I Want in a Man IS..–>>
#1..My “new” #1 has risen UP the list..It used-2-be far down in my ranking. My old #1 ‘was has to be highly attractive/fit’. Now? MUST BE A BELIEVER.. I’ve come to learn this is something I won’t compromise..Not only that there is really nothing to add to this . It’s a must for me. Exclamation mark. Period.
#2..COMMUNICATION skills. I’m a talker..I will without a shadow of a doubt tell/express to my future man what I need, what I desire, what I dream, what I think I want; everything and all things Bernadette. I am NOT yet good enough to read minds; nor do I have a desire to. That takes far too much work! I require & desire a man who can put more than 2 sentences together to express his thoughts/his dreams/his needs/his goals/his wants. Sidebar: His WORD must be bond. So I’m attaching trust-worthy onto this topic. I WILL believe what you say is true..So my future man must be reliable & stand by his word. He’ll say what he means & mean what he says. He’ll DO what he says he’s going to do. Or have a pretty dang good reason for not being able to do it. Or set a later date for being able to do so.
#3..MUST be a good Father. I have issues with a man not being a good Father. Simply can’t respect an absentee Father. I make NO excuse for feeling this way..and it goes far back into my past. Least 30 years & counting! IF you’re not MAN enough to have supported your own seed, financially & emotionally, then you’re not the MAN for me. Enough said. (truth be told this is another long topic for another time..) Oh! Exclamation point. Period.
#4 ALPHA characteristics..This has moved down the list but it’s still highly important to me in my significant other. My male counterpart. I’ve come to learn its a MUST. I have a higher level of respect for a man, as my man, that holds these qualities. I’ve a STRONG solid personality; and that’s the #1 reason I require this quality in my mate. As luck would have it; it’s also the type of brother I’m also very attracted to..
#5 Nice looking/fit/health conscious..Moved this down my list a bit..NOT because I don’t dig a brother that is good-looking; but because the aforementioned qualities matter more. Physical attraction does matter..Just isn’t my #1 anymore. As I’ve evolved. Hand in hand with this quality I’m piggy backing ..Personable/Sociable. I’m very much a people-loving-social-butterfly..Put me in a room of folks I don’t know; and minutes later I’ll be chatting with someone. Doesn’t matter the arena nor platform..So only makes sense I’d be attracted to someone with this quality. And I am.
#6 DRAMAless as humanly possible.. I don’t bring it/I don’t welcome it/I don’t need it in my life. Period. I come in peace/I welcome peace/I’ve no patience(nor time) for anything nor anybody who keeps drama floating around them or starts it. Period
#7 Good Heart! Highly important to me..I view/feel people I connect with from the inside out..The warm vibes I feel from a person, including friends, is what draws me to them. My vibe meter has rarely failed me(99.9% accurate so far) Natural compassion for others is something I’m attracted to in a man..Very
#8 Last but not least I can truly appreciate a positive thinker. There are enough things in life that can bring us down or draw tears from us..Takes much effort to always try hard to see the sunny side UP. Even on our darkest days there’s something we can find to smile about; IF we just recall to count our blessings.
**Well folks that’s my “list” I’m of the belief we can wish things into existence..Its called praying with intent. Or least that’s what I’ve found myself doing this past 2 years. And so far? Its yielded pretty good results…Hoping my list reels my biggest WISH for 2013 on in! Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4 ever sincere, Berna (the 1 N only)
..I made a comment recently and I’m standing by it..50 is rushing up on me; and I’m in much anticipation for it. I’m ready! Aren’t I? Shouldn’t I be? What are my options if I’m not? …Well by now I’m sure y’all are ready to hear the actual comment I made! It for sure pushed the person’s buttons I was speaking to at the time; however, having said that..IF a person can’t say whats REALLY on their mind at almost 50 yrs of age(such as myself..) when in the heck IS the time to be able to keeeeeep it real?!? The way I see IT there is no time like the present..Hope y’all are ready for some real talk. This is for grown folks ONLY>>
…1st this BROADcast(yep, that’s a play on words that only those 50 & over will catch..) For allll those people who scared the beeeeejesus out of me about making 50..By telling me that one’s body starts literally falling apart with ailments/issues/organ’s failing/and caving in to gravity..Unless the day AFTER I make 50 yrs of age(July 5th..) this happens instantly; y’all lied. Lol, lol! It takes ALOT of consistent work, every single day(and I mean every day) but by the grace of a mighty good God; I’m SO thankful I don’t look like the stuff I’ve lived through at this ripe age. I’ve said it often; and I’ll say it one ‘mo time..Thank YOU God for blessing me. Now if the day after I make 50 yrs of age stuff starts dropping/sagging/and an organ fails; I’ll have to retract this comment. And I’m building up the cajones(figure of speech! cause I am all woman..) to post a picture of me here on WordPress; in my Bday dress after my Bday party. After all seeing is believing for some folks..Enough said & back to the topic at hand>>
....So last week I was having a conversation with someone I hardly knew & had just met..I talked to alot, and I mean ALOT, of people while I was in Phoenix last week..Anyways , somehow or other, we got on the topic of making 50 yrs of age..And for some reason or other; he says ” Well, I have a friend who does NOT know yet HIS purpose or direction, and he’s 50 yrs old already..” I stood there looking at him waiting for the and..And?!? There wasn’t an , and, folks that was IT..I’m not too sure I’m proud of what flew out of my mouth next. BUT , this is what I said(before I could censor it/sugar coat it..>>
In a very steady voice & with a straight face I said, ” WOW, well I feeeeel a person should know where they’re headed/what they’re doing/what their purpose IS/should be progressively moving forward by 50! I mean jeez 50 years old is a longgggg time to be LOST or clue less..” After I said that? He got that wide-eyed look of ” Did SHE just say that?” And he didn’t get time to counter the comment because class went back into session..Later I felt mayhaps that was a harsh comment. Ever make a comment & then later wonder IF you should’ve made it? But it got me to thinking..Isn’t 50 the age one should know it ALL? Or least know enough/have learned enough..IF not 50 yrs old exactly how OLD must one be to know enough to have a PHD in..Life? Does one ever get to that point in life? Or is this life journey just one long process of continual learning? 50 yrs of learning & living! qualifies a person as knowing ALOT, right?>>
the TRUTH is , or rather the truth as I know it, as a person on the doorstep of making 50 yrs old..I do NOT know it all. And honestly? It was a harsh comment..but in my heart of hearts I honestly feel a person should know what direction they’re headed or be in IT. As luck would have it(and I thank God & my lucky stars..) a couple of years before I was this close to 50 yrs old..It became to vividly CLEAR to me what my God-given path was; that I would’ve had to be blind not to have seen it. I could see it clear as day..It took following blind faith to get nearer to it though. And truth be told; I’m not all the way there yet. But I’m a heck-of-alot-closer than I’ve ever been to getting; there. My direction has been on fast-forward motion since then. Very fast..So fast its at times been over-whelming. And all positive..Having said that would I still stand by my comment; IF this wasn’t the case? Probably so..If it wasn’t the case I’d have felt I wasn’t where I was supposed to be by 50 yrs of age. Which leads me back to my first question. Aren’t we supposed to know it ALL by 50 yrs old? Or least enough to account for having lived 50 yrs?!? When I sat down & did some real soul-searching on the matter..AFTER, I’d spoken without thinking to the aforementioned person..Honestly? I don’t feel there is a SET amount of what we should know by 50 yrs of age. I think we know what we know due to the experiences of what we’ve lived through to this point..Some just know more than others. I think life is an ever-changing and evolving event..Like a very BIG stage. We’re all the actors. Our part isn’t determined by US..Its pre-determined. Our free will affords us the opportunity to get to the finish line; at different time periods. IF I could have a do-over of the earlier conversation I mentioned; that’s the response I wish I’d said. Unfortunately in this life journey we don’t always get do-overs though..Living IN the moment is something I attempt to do every, single day..I can only hope the person I said that to reads this & accepts my final & well – thought out answer. What I’ve learned at 50 yrs of age is …WE never stop learning. WE will never know it ALL. And I think learning that is one of the beautiful things about making it to 50 years of age! Now..I tell you one thing about 50 I’m still not used to ; yet. It’s as if overnight I changed from a Miss to a Ma’am. Lawd! When did that happen?? Lol, lolll Until I write/read y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere Berna (the 1 N only) P.S. I might also post a picture of my birthday cake after my party…I want ALL 50 candles on my cake..I don’t care IF it looks like a bonfire! I EARNED every one of those years..Truth be told my Mama probably won’t allow it. Lol, lol! I can just see her face if I even request 50 candles. The look on her face of “Do YOU want to burn the place down?”
Daddy, I learned what a real man is from watching you..
Over the years you’ve shown me you’re proud of all I do
Always saying remember ‘ Your Daddy loves YOU’
As I headed out into the world full of great BIG dreams
You taught me tough lessons; that all isn’t always as it seems
In my innocent naiveté
My vision blurred by a rose-colored monocle
Even in present tense..
You rose to my defense
No matter the offense
Your words ‘I’d kill a rock over YOU’ rang always in my ears
My Daddy loves me! became my silent mantra on my darkest nights
And there have been many..
Your Alphaness/Your Leadership/Your Compassion/Your unwavering discipline/Your knack for figuring out the tough stuff!/Your intelligence/Your avid love of reading & knowledge!/Your hearty laughter/humor
ALL of that sums UP to what I want in a man, nope!, it is what I neeeed in my ‘The One’
Nothing less will do or I’d rather have none
The lessons you taught me without ever even trying
IF I think about that long list now I’ll for sure start crying
As the tears flow
I certainly know
You’ll gently stand by till they cease~
The strength I feel now within my heart
Earned from Life’s heavy! hammer upon my back
time to time..
Whilst in my background you always reminded me of where I’d come from
That there was nothing I couldn’t survive or DO if I set my mind on IT
Its because YOU believed in me always that I now STAND
Even sans my ‘The One’ , yes! you taught me I CAN..
So I’m all grown UP now & have finally found my way
All that you’ve given me; I could hardly ever repay
But just find comfort that I’m sincerely happy doing ME
I’m ever evolving into the person God created me to B~
And even once I’m again my ‘The One’s ‘ loving wife
You’ll forever & always be the #1 man in my Life.
Happy Fathers Day Daddy!
Love always and always, Bernadette
~~My UNsolicited AfterWord~~ EVERY little girl deserves from BIRTH not only a Father; but a Daddy! A girl’s first impression of what a man IS..stems directly from her own Dad or lack OF. Think about that for a minute & the impact that can have on a girl-to-woman’s life. The relationship between a girl/woman and her Daddy WILL(not maybe..) affect every love relationship she has with a man in her life. Exclamation point. Period. Thus, I feel its highly important for men to be engaged Dads..for doesn’t the lack of impact all of society in the long run? Yes! it does in far too many ways to list here. IF you make them; tend to them! Would one make a cake? Then walk away from it & leave it unattended in the oven? Hecks no..and a child is something that does not ask to be created. ANY man can bring a child into the world; it takes a REAL man to raise them. Regardless of happenstance of the relationship that the child was born of; children need to be raised by , at the least!, both parents. One thing I can’t respect is a man who did NOT have a hand in raising their child. In my world there is a word for that; and I won’t disgrace my poem tribute to my Daddy by printing it here. But if the shoe fits; U already know. I hope Fathers out there reading this realize YOUR importance. Material things, above a child’s needs, do NOT matter. When said child is grown? They won’t recall the Iphones, Xboxes, or over-priced designer clothes you purchased or couldn’t afford to purchase..what they will forever recall is your LOVE. I’ve found its when we have the least material possessions that the preciousness of Love is recognized in our lives..Or least thats the way I see IT. 2 All the Daddys/Fathers/Pops/Pa’s out there heres wishing you a very , very HAPPY FATHERS DAY. *You are appreciated/needed!/honored/adored..LOVED*
***Life is full of Poetic Verse***I am fine. I will B fine. I am living my life out LOUD..in Color. Yesterday, I had one of those days & experienced but a mere “moment” in a space of a long, long! beautiful life..I’m just about 1/2 a century NEW. My life, inofitself has been what all of our lives are..yet some of us fail to realize..it IS a miracle , indeed! what we live through, climb over, run around, and Leap OVER while experiencing this thing called Life. Filled with moments bittersweet but also overflowing with so, so , so many moments of utter JOY..that it can set us on a momentum that forward propels us hurdling(for lack of a better word) with baited breath & excitement! into each brand new day. I move , alot, in a very brisk , electric filled pace; trying with all my might to squeeze the UTmost out of each moment , each experience, each! day..But sometimes I also STOP to literally smell the roses; for none of us know(honestly) when we or IF we’ll re-experience any of what we embark on daily. When I decided to blog & share my real-true-life “happenings” out in front of the world; I promised myself I’d do it with an open nature so that I might leave my journey behind to mark a life journey. My life journey..for my 3 beautiful Black princes , for my grandchildren whenever they come to B, for anyone out there who just might gain something positive from what I’ve lived. What is this life really ABOUT if we don’t in the process of living..touch many? It is my sincere desire to let ALL of the love in my heart overflow , always, releasing what I call Liquid Love..Words can touch many. Words are powerful. Words can heal. Words can help one get through ‘Ish..And 2nd to actions; words can express Love in remarkable ways. I’ve been humbled beyond the realm I thought possible; by my WordPress experience..its given me confirmation of what, I think, I already knew. People represent Love..and when they reach out 2 others, from across countries no less, it brings to my full realization why I’m such a people-loving social butterfly. For the many that reached out to me last night? YOU wow’ed me/Blew my hair back/Rode through “it” with me/Showed a stranger love, love , love..Those that have known me a lifetime know I’m a fighter..Never hit a person with my hands out of anger, yet!, I’ve fought my entire Life to get TO my God given potential..Its when things have “seemed” the darkest to me; that have motivated me to “see” light..Like in a dark room & one strains their eyes to make out the shadows in the darkness while slowly proceeding forward(because stubbing a toe! hurts like heck) I say all of this to say@ I am fine. I will B fine always; even when I think I’m not! Like my yesterday..I am living my Life out LOUD..in Color. I am rich when it comes to Love in my Life..I am Blessed. God hears my Prayers & HE hears YOUR prayers. This is a brand new day & WE woke up this morning..And that inofitself is a Blessing and cause to celebrate. I’ll be back tonight on my usual word grind & my kool-aid smile! Until then stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere Berna(the 1 & only)
It feels so good to B..Loved! Coming at me from every angle of my life thus feeding me with desire to express lyrically..Challenging myself to stretch higher & higher in poetic verse. >>COMING SOON..Going to have to shelf this one for a minute, its not coming to me quick enough to write out. Good things can’t be rushed. Stay tuned<<
Bookmarking this spot..this is a Self challenge to attempt to express where I’m at, in the here & now, this is the best word I can use to describe it…Never been here before yet its a feeling SO beautiful; I only wish I could bottle it up to save some for all tomorrows & share it with all of my loved ones, extended family of friends & y’all..Hopefully before weekends’ end I’ll have penned it..No guarantees on that , for I’ve learned not to rush creativity. Just letting it flow freely..
**Surreality**As defined or re-defined by lil ole me= A state of being in a place ~N~ time in which reality is met full-ON by things I prayed for , dreamt of, wished for!, dared to reach for and most certainly worked hard for… A state of constant resisting pinching myself to check if I’m really awake. A state of dealing even with “crisis” with a brand-new grace-that-isn’t-quite-perfect-but-a-major-improvement-of-the-way-I-used-to-overstress-over-crisis. A state of not being able to complain about a thing! & more often than not. ** Hoping I can get lost in the translation as I mark this place in time poetically..
~~~God brought me out of darkness into rays of sunshine SO bright I have to blink
And walking shakily/steadily! with quickness of pace further away from the brink
Here I stand
Happy! even sans a man
Exhaling Inhaling deeply Taking a moment to catch my breath..
Lacing together all the pieces , the lovely remnants & memories of my life
Please don’t dare wake me if I’m traipsing while asleep
I pray! the Lord my soul to keep
Always in His hands
Here I stand
Trying not to get overwhelmed by the overwhelmingness of it all
Refusing to back up /can’t go back/won’t look back/catch me if I ..
Exhaling Inhaling deeply Taking a moment to catch my breath..
Perfect ,ever so perfect, in my complete & utter imperfection
Waiting patiently, sort of… on my very last Love connection
The final step towards the embrace that will hold me for life
Oh! how I yearn to once again be my ‘the 1’s’ coveted wife
He is close, so close I just feeeel it deep down in my bones
Here I stand
Inhaling all that is good /feeling just like I thought it would except..
Flanked by my beloved parents whose adoring love lifted me UP
Loved all the hurts & pain away
I’m finally having my say
Does life get much better than it is today?
Please, please don’t wake me if I’m traipsing while asleep
I pray! my soul always my Lord to keep
Not afraid anymore ..there is nothing to fear.. ‘cept living UP to my potential
Still a ways 2 GO
Learning along the way, loving! all in my path. Main lesson? GOD is essential
Here I stand
Smiling even when I feel pain ,knowing, that too will pass
One has to know pain to truly appreciate joy in this life
I swear I can see the light
This time and place seems so surreal
My excitement I can’t hardly conceal
Lusting for life and all that it brings
Most days my heart is full..I just feel like singing!
Here I stand
Exhaling Inhaling deeply Taking a moment to catch my breath..
Breathing in my surreality~~~
This topic comes to y’all by special request..Prompted by a post a loyal reader read that I made on another post recently. Just happens to be a topic I adore..Wish I’d have thought of writing on it myself. I’ll be back soon enough with my take on it & its going to be well worth the wait. My uncensored inner most thoughts about my favorite topic. Love…***>
Ever meet someone & everything is going perfectly, too perfect. They’re looking yummy, smelling yummier(lawd!) , body is a dream come true, and a smile that melts your heart? And then in an instant that perfect picture is ruined when they begin to …talk. >
I’m sure many of you reading this can relate from the school of hard knocks regarding…love, dating, and being single. If one is honest with themselves(which is a learned skill..& I found as I age it gets easier & easier to be TRUE to myself) they’ve got to admit this. The “thrill” of meeting someone new that one is attracted to; is a wonderful rush of wonderful feelings that makes one feel just..well..WONDERFUL from head to toe. And I realize thats a run -on sentence but its the only way I can express the sentiment I’m trying to describe. Capisce? Alright, cool . Moving right along>
Yet, with all of the lovely, wonderful, ecstatic feelings felt when meeting/dating someone new also comes..uncertainty. And silent unasked questions…Are they being HONEST? Is this the real them they’re presenting; or is this their representative? Representative= That AWESOME person in every way that you ever! dreamed of/can’t do no wrong/butter won’t melt in their mouth..Until the “honeymoon” stage ends; and the real them pops out and…OMG you wonder if you’ve died and landed in the twilight zone somewhere! Often I’ve wondered how folks can possibly think this “trickery” will work for long. And..how can someone respect someone who from the JUMP perpetrated an absolute fraud?!? Isn’t it much better to just be oneself out the gate? Least thats my theory@ This is who I BE. Take me as I am..Love me or Leave me the heck alone. I like who I am & have worked dang hard to get to this point so..if we don’t vibe we just don’t vibe..then we can mayhaps just be friends. Isn’t that much simpler than wasting another person’s time? >
I’ve come to believe that majority of the good things in life take..Time. Plain & simple there is no way around it. Even though we often, especially in this day & age, want to rush! things and want things right this dang minute…I call it the microwave era. We want things , our way, and we want them like 10 minutes AGO. However, have you ever had a meal from the microwave that tasted even half as good; as a meal cooked & slaved over with tender love & care? Some of y’all might say yes..but if you say yes you’ve not had my Mama’s cooking! >
I’ve adopted the belief system that this also applies to love…And that just as love takes time to form; it also takes time to discern if a potential lifemate is our “the 1” . Makes sense , right? I mean I’ve learned that everything that looks good; is NOT good for me. I’ve also learned that the man that was chosen for me to love for the rest of my life, before I was even born, will be someone I can and DO call friend. First…before we ever begin to climb the staircase upwards & graduate to..love. This sounds good in theory; but is problematic because that means not giving in to the lure of; sex. >
The good news about SEX is; its mind-blowingly the 2nd to best(giving birth is the 1st) powerful JOYful feeling on earth. Hope most of y’all can agree; if not you’ve been in love with the wrong folks! But the bad news about SEX is; it can “blind” one to anything else important about a person. I think thats where the adage@ love is blind comes from..So having said that; would it not make more sense to let sex wait until a pair really knows one another? And what better way , and easier way, to do that then to take the time to become friends first? Or even consider friends as love interests? If this is the best case scenario for new love…why don’t more of us do IT in this manner? Because we’re human and the laws of attraction don’t consider how strong the power of sex IS..Or least that is the way I see IT>
Remember backintheday when our first few dates were chaperoned? It was general practice for a concerted reason…to keep couples from falling prey to physical temptation before a proper courting process had taken place. Things might have progressed a bit too far these days; to revert completely back entirely to oldskool ways. But how about using the concept? Double-dating or dating in groups or making it a point not to spend time alone & date in public areas…Y’all might ask if I’ve tried this to know it works. Nope, but now that I’m freshly open to dating; its something I’m going to attempt to employ.(and I’ll be blogging about the UPside when it happens) It’s that important to me to link up romantically with someone I call friend…enough to use the discipline to try something new. If one wants different results they’ve got to try different methods. There are two reasons I think & feel I know; that “friends first ” make the best life-long love affairs…>
#1 reason= The love relationship is built on a solid foundation. Having been friends first ; both parties should know the others’ likes, desires, and needs. This is the part of love relationships that began with SEX often fail….IF you don’t know a person well; sex can distract from truly getting to know them. Yes, sex can get in the way of that…or least that’s my take on it. Why? Because GREAT sex can become all -consuming and over-ride taking the time in takes to get to know someone..And if you’ve been starting love relationships with sex , and it consistently doesn’t work out, true sign you might need to try something else. I’m just saying..
#2 reason=Excitement & passion is heightened! Why? Because the mutual trust, respect( a must) & tolerance for one another gained from being friends first makes the desire stronger to please one’s intimate partner..This is something missing in casual sex link-UPs..because there aren’t any emotions or feelings attached to the person.
Lastly, the mutual trust created during a friendship , amps the odds up to a lasting love affair. After all lack of trust is one of the biggest factors these days tearing couples apart..I’ve heard of women checking their man’s wallets(for phone numbers) , checking his cell for texts or phone numbers, sniffing his clothes, and dang near running a full investigation as to their man’s whereabouts..As IF doing any of this will stop a man(or anyone) from cheating. It won’t. Truth be told, in my opinion, IF you’ve got to check up on your mate; the relationship already has major issues. There is no trade-off or substitute for mutual regard and trust.
>>Anyone out there begin a love relationship with friendship first? I’d love for you to share the outcome..
Not sure how deep I’m going to go with this one..Its a topic in the forefront of my mind, on the tip of my tongue, and hoping my fingers can keep up with the flow of thoughts. Its personal. So hang on tight & enjoy the ride… >
“Berna, you MUST learn the art of self-preservation!”…Those were the words that my only sibling said to me some 17 .5 years ago as I was going through-IT ; a divorce that I surely thought going forward with was like cutting off a part of my body( I was so IN love with him!) and honestly figured it was going to kill my inner Spirit..>
I told a very good friend of mine just yesterday that I cherish! being “different”..I’ve no issue with standing alone(as I have before) for what I feel in my heart of hearts is right. I’ve no issue with being the 1st one to ask the question that everyone else wants to ask; but doesn’t . (which is why I always sit in the FRONT of any, and I mean any, class room) I’ve no issue with being the ONE in the group; that looks for a rung ladder before leaping off a cliff with everyone else. I am truly not a follower…All those things I’ve mastered. What I haven’t mastered is self-preservation. I give of myself and I give freely…just flows freely from my being. For a split second today I had a fleeting thought that mayhaps I give too much . Too much of me. And after that split second passed…>
…thoughts came hurdling, tumbling back into my mind of what my brother said almost 18 yrs prior. @One must know/learn! self -preservation or they just might give UP the very parts of self; that make them who they are. And that is something I refuse to do. I digressed…badly..but as I was saying earlier just yesterday I was expressing to a close friend of mine that I do not want to be like anyone else nor everyone else. I am different. And I like being ME. It took me a very long time to get here . I need no permission to be me. I make NO apologies for being me..What is clear , crystal clear, is that I, WE, have to set boundaries in any/all of our relationships. Whether its of an intimate nature or friendship(which truth be told the best intimate relationships start off as friends first..don’t y’all agree? Thats another topic for another time. Excellent blog idea! ) Today I had to draw the line with someone I care about. Someone I call/consider my friend…Perhaps I should’ve made the invisible boundary lines known from the onset. For often my kindness/my sensitive nature/my compassion; is mistaken for weakness. I may be many things but weak I am not. Not even on a bad day…>
I’ve come to believe in any relationship..intimate or friendship..we can quickly get locked down into patterns. Those patterns get habitual & routine. It becomes what defines the relationship..UNLESS a person draws a line or boundaries from the onset those patterns won’t/can’t ever be broken. As long as that relationship exists..think about that for a minute..I was sharing with someone today I feel as IF they’re taking my kindness for granted. My perception is pretty much grounded in reality of the way it actually IS. Is it cool when one is being themselves to collide with someone else being themselves in a bonded friendship..only to find out one of the pair feels taken for granted? Naw, thats not cool..which is why today I said out loud what had been building UP . Which means I should’ve already said it before..today. Why is it human nature not to want to hurt another with the blatant truth? Or is that just part of my nature? IF anyone out there can relate this is the part where you should contribute your 2 cents…>
I try to see the good in everyone. Yet I don’t choose to spend time with everyone…and when I do? I expect, unspoken demand, to get back at least an ounce of what I’m giving in return. Some of us are just natural givers..Givers of themselves. Their essence. Their love. Their friendship. It just flows naturally. I’ve got my hand held UP high on each/every one of those counts. But what I refuse to do, as anyone should, is let anyone suck me dry of those resources..Not speaking in a physical sense; but literally. Is it moreso human nature to be a giver or a taker? Are these things learned or uttered naturally from the heart. To give or to take. I’ve no clue how I got to be the way I am in that sense..It is just the way I am. And I’ve no plans to change in that aspect. Ever. For I enjoy being around folks who give freely of themselves..Have no issue letting their hair down to just; Be. I had to learn , after many moons, the art of self preservation..it doesn’t come naturally . I think it is possible to give much of oneself; yet keep some of self for self to remain self. What a silly sounding riddle, right? Makes perfect sense to me though. And I sure as heck hope its making sense to someone else out there reading this also..if so this is yet another part where your 2 cents could be interjected..>
The closer I get to 50 yrs of age; the less & less I mince words. Time is precious and its moving with more haste daily..I look UP and an entire week has passed by in a blur. Some weeks I just want to yell, STOP, as the clock seems to spin in a frantic pace. Especially during minutes of my free time after my 8 -5 weekday..Although truth be told my work days fly by as well. Without mincing words & yet not speaking harshly; I think we all owe it to ourselves to lay down those invisible/unspoken/spoken boundaries in our relationships. Agreed? For what is a friendship worth if one of the pair isn’t feeling appreciated? I usually bail pretty quickly from such situations…I’ve learned to do so to maintain self. Just don’t see the sense in continuing to give to something that isn’t fulfilling. Anyone out there have a different take on this? Or related? Well I’ve said my piece. Now its your turn. What do you think? Do you have self-preservation skills you’d like to share?
Couldn’t resist taking the challenge…Might as well state from the jump my stance on this topic. Call me oldskool; really don’t care what you call me. Because I really AM oldskool..Its what I was taught & its what I see that works for long-term love relationships(wish I’d known what I know now the 2 times I’ve been IN love; but then wouldn’t have been valuable lessons learned..) I do NOT believe money buys happiness. I do NOT believe money can buy LOVE. I do NOT judge a man by the size of his; wallet. I think if a woman puts a pricetag on her love; she is literally SELLING herself short. That IS if she’s a good woman at heart; & putting down what it takes to show a man she sincerely loves him. Exclamation point. Period. In addition, I don’t let a man attach a price tag to my love. Any price he’d attached I’d be offended because I’d think! the price should be higher..Why? Because my love, the Berna experience is priceless(& addictive..I’ve got witnesses ..both of my X’s read my blog..waving!) Y’all ready for this? Here I go..>
Before I dig deeper riddle me this..Any some women may find this offensive; but it IS the way I feel about this topic. *** What IS the difference between a hooker & a woman who pawns off her love for money ?*** Absolutely NOTHING. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Alright, now you know how I really feel about it, moving right along>
I’ve heard all sides of this debate..From women & from men..I’ve heard women barter off their services & their bills ..I’ve heard women date multiple men just to have them each pay on a different bill! Also heard men brag on what they’ve bought for a woman, as IF , that someone equates to love. It doesn’t! Not in my book.. Know why they think that? WOMEN have taught them that. And who taught women that bartering for love is an acceptable thing to do? Often times their own mothers; so it goes on from generation to generation. Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree..Am I EVER glad my Momma never believed in that so she couldn’t teach it to me. >
I know there are women who won’t date men that don’t make a certain amount of money..I know there are women who it matters what type of car a man drives…They’re seeking the highest bidder; exchanging what is so called love for money. Is that love though?! Or is it just another form of being a hooker? I think I’ve made it clear what my answer is to that. Hooker mentality ALL day long. Just because its sugar coated; doesn’t change it from what it is..Least that is the way I see it>
Having said all of the above I’ve been spoiled ..I’ve been surprised with gifts when I didn’t anticipate them; NOR have I ever asked for any. One time myexhusband made a path of rose petals; with gifts along the way as I walked down the path. Awwwwww..that was not too long after I’d given birth..and I was feeling anything but sexy. And THAT was one of the best Valentine Days ever..Memories are very sweet; but it was never a requirement. What I’ve lived is when a man loves a woman; he will buy gifts to show her that. And although thats all good when deserved; what matters the most to me? Corny as it sounds to some; TIME spent. To me love is measured by HOW a man treats me; and that he’ll give his time to spend with me. Nothing can compare to quality time …>
So this is how I feel about women marrying for love or money..IF you marry for love; do NOT be shocked when you’ve got to DO unheavenly things. As a paid woman..well , I’ve leave y’all to fill in that blank. I don’t want to know what it feels like to be a paid woman! I also can’t imagine how a man feels to be just a big wallet to his woman..that is certainly one thing my “the one” won’t have to worry about.
*When is the last time you told someone you loved them? Do you just assume those that you love; know it? And when you do say the words I love you; do your actions consistently match the meaning behind those words? I’m of the belief that one should say what they mean; and mean what they say. In that same regard I feel there are no 3 words more important that can be uttered than…I love you. >
Saying I love you comes so naturally to me I figure everyone is used to hearing it..That is not always the case. And I once was told there are even places it isn’t appropriate to say it! Once, long ago now, I worked in a state prison with my then husband..We were in heaven every day! even though behind concrete walls; we saw each other often alll day long. BUT one day I was skipping away(yep, literally) after we’d shared an embrace in the office hallway…And when I got halfway down the hall; and knew he was watching me walk away..I yelled out! See you at home and I love YOU..His coworkers were staring. The inmates walking by were staring. My husband looked mortified..and I was grinning from ear to ear. I had NO clue what was to come next. He told me later at home I could jeopardize his authority(& safety) with the inmates (he was then a correctional officer..) showing such softness in front of them….WtH? It was that moment I decided I no longer wanted to work in a prison. I’d been told it wasn’t Disney world(even had to wear a whistle around my neck for emergencies…) but can’t express love either?! Naw, I wasn’t going to be in a nonsafe environment around my lover husband; and hide that. Real love can’t be hidden nor denied nor kept inside..it flows outward. Saying I love you should always be natural>
Does it flow naturally in everything you say or DO?
Ever say 3 words that just make you feel good from head to toe?
Want to surprise the heck of someone you love? In the middle of a disagreement walk towards them, slowly(don’t want them to think you’re going to smack them..) and softly say , I love you. I don’t even think a tin man could continue to be angry at that moment..>
This topic came to mind behind a happening last week..I was excited about something..And as I was walking away I yelled out to a female friend, Ooooh I just love you! Didn’t mean it in an intimate way at all; though everyone in the room froze…Why are those 3 words usually reserved for intimacy or only family members? Can’t one feel genuine love for just friends? And if that is the case why not say it?>
Someone very special to me recently said something so deep ; I don’t think he really realized how deep it was. And I won’t reveal who he is..but it touched my heart. He said that when his brother said the words , I love you to him..he’d never heard him say that before to him. He’d known all his young life that his brother loved him. And he’d long wanted to say I love you to his brother ..yet didn’t know how he’d respond. So he’d never said it to him..BUT when his brother said it to him , finally, it brought tears to his eyes. He said I know he’s truly matured and grown because he finally said IT..And he was the younger of the two making that observation. Moral of the story? IF you feel it…say it. Words matter. Alot. Never know how much the other person might need to hear it from; you. And with that I rest my case.
~Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the Mothers! that are here today & those that have passed on to greener pastures..This is my sincere tribute to the woman who gave me life and has given me UNconditional love my entire life journey..She has inspired me to be all the woman I can BE/was meant to BE/and strive to BE..Daily I reach higher above my own expectations of Self; to be even half the woman she is. I love you always Mama, Sincerely your only daughter Bernadette~
~~Bonded forever since first feeling your heartbeat against my face
I’ve been loved from the warmth of the womb & on..
Such priceless lessons you’ve shown me that life isn’t ever a race
Its to be savored sweetly like a good ole Motown song..
How can I ever walk a mile in my Mama’s lovely shoes?
I can’t! so I stopped trying to be anything other than ME
Taught me so well good manners, be true to myself and how to deal with lifes rules
And regulations ..
Long before Steve Harvey, Mama told me BE a lady but think like a MAN
Mama said ‘ain’t nothing a woman can NOT do; with a well laid plan
Oooo how you reign Mama sooo high UP on my list of those I admire
You’re my #1 pick .. on my old lonely dark days you begged me not to lose my internal fire
The flicker now has grown to a full flame!
Each step I take you’ve always been right there at my side
Beaming with joy, love, and unquestionable motherly pride
Without a single doubt I’d not be the woman that I am
Had it not been for a Mama that always said you can!
Mere words can’t express whats deeply embedded in my heart
But I couldn’t be happier you’ve been there with me from the word, start.
For all of these things & more that emotions won’t permit me to say..
Happy Mother’s Day Mama I love you now and every , single day~4ever sincere Bernadette(Berna the 1 & only)
I think I’m onto something here & going with the flow..Sit back, kick your feet UP & get ready to think outside the box. Ever seen major beauty pageants? Well, I honestly don’t watch them anymore either, BUT backintheday when I used to…There was always that one beauty who when they asked her what was her lifetime goal; she’d say in her most oh-sincere-voice. ” I’d like to end World hunger & see World Peace”. Truth be told I really DO think of plausible solutions for World peace/UNITY/ending World hunger/ending World homelessness..The process has to begin somewhere & I think, I really do, I’ve got the answer to get the ball rolling. Push START..>
**What IF we lived in a world of peace, love, harmony , freedom and justice for all. Can y’all imagine how little we’d have to stress over or be frustrated about? If you close your eyes for a minute…go ahead close your eyes(well read this part first..) …can’t you see all the smiling faces? Laughter can be heard all day long; everywhere! Singing, children playing & giggling, NO hungry person exists, everyone has a roof over their head/clothing in inclement weather, NO racism nor prejudice exists; just total tolerance, love, joy, and peace. Lets see if I can paint a clear picture of what I see when I…dream. >
Ever been at a family reunion or group function with music, excellent food, & dancing? Notice how the music hypes everyone all up? Next thing you know there are large groups of people doing Soul Train lines(yep, we still get down like that and its fun!) and of course electric slide/wobble(woooo hooo) No one really cares who they’re dancing next to/or even who is their dance partner..the electric & excitement in the air just gets everyone all amped UP and…dancing!>
..Why can’t that feeling of togetherness-without-a-care-in-the-world carry on from the dance floor onto day-to-day life? How have we allowed ourselves to live in a society in which TRUST is so hard to come by? Someone once told me long ago I had to earn their trust..that honestly blew my hair back! Especially since I thought we were family. Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? What happened to TRUST until someone shows you they don’t deserve your trust? (and they burn you..) When in the heck did NOT trusting , from the onset, become the norm ?! And exactly who sets these so called norm rules anyway? The majority? Count me out…I’ve no issue being different. Actually I’m quite used to it & have grown to like it>
Aren’t we all as humans sisters & brothers? Linked together forever because of that being factual? If that is the case why are there WARS? Why do we, even myself, guilty of judging/stereotyping/prejudice..does this not cause separatism? Is this something we learn-by-example? Or we born feeling this way? Or conditioned? More & most importantly how do we STOP it from continuing to re-cycle to the next generation?>
When one dances and gets caught UP in the ebb & flow of the music …it can amp up to a feverish pace. It IS contagious! Before you know it an entire room of people are dancing & dancing & dancing..Why can we not employ this concept to have more cohesiveness in the world. A world void of hate, wars, and people less fortunate than others. Basic needs would rightfully be taken care of; IF we all lend a helping hand to those less fortunate than ourselves. Pay-it-forward-Mentorship-Tutoring-Adoption-FeedaFamily..so many things to form ..more unity. I read alot, a great deal, and many believe world peace is no longer possible. They believe there will always be war/famine/poor/homelessness..Is this our new reality that we can no longer even dream for such things? When the ability to dream no longer exists, it takes all hope with it. I refuse..and you should also. THINK about it. And while you’re at it; there is a way to really get your creative juices flowing…JUST DANCE
As always I’ve got something to say ..I’m not a good fence-rider at all; I usually tilt one way or another on just about any & everything under the sun. Literally…Want to know what my thoughts are on the prospect of looking for love online? This is the way I see IT>
I’ve wondered what type of person uses an online dating site..Wouldn’t they have to be desperate? Don’t they have enough social skills to meet & connect with someone in the offline real world? Haven’t we all heard the horrific horror stories from online encounters?>
How would you know IF a person was being honest on an online dating site? What motivates a person to resort to seeking love online? All of these questions and more come to mind…One would think with all of the potential scams that online dating would be declining. Yet, recent statistics show the number of people participating is climbing. Its at an all time high according to current stats=40 million folks in the U.S. have used online dating sites/140 million folks in China have used online dating sites./The Porn Industry blames its $74 million decline on online dating sites/Average length of courtship prior to marriage from online dating is 18.5 months. Average length of courtship prior to marriage from offline dating is 42 months/20% of single people have dated someone they met online/20% of newly committed people in relationships met on an online dating site…>
I recall after my divorce I said I’d never consider an online dating site..I’ve evolved in leaps & bound since then & have now learned to not utter the phrase” I’ll never do….” again. Life has a way of making us eat our words sometimes or better yet to re-think things. After all there are 2 sides to every coin, right? I’m hardly desperate but I am highly selective(some call it picky) I think there is a difference between being picky vs. selective. I know what I want/what I need/my worth/my flaws/my weaknesses/my strengths/my best attributes/all that I have to offer a mate/and what I deserve in a man..>
I’m considered , and I totally agree!, to be an otherwise intelligent person..So why would I NOT contemplate broadening my love horizons by dating online?!? After much deliberation that is my new conclusion I’m quickly arriving at..surprise you? More than sure it will surprise most of the people who know me well also! Theres more>
Its been said & proven one can meet a total freak!/killer/rapist/pervert!/selfish/UGLY/morally corrupt/& spiritually bankrupt person..on an online dating site. BUT can’t the same also be said for people we meet in offline circumstances? Remember backintheday when singles met & linked UP at clubs? AND, mind you, couldn’t even hear each other talk over the music?? Which setting IS a good place for singles to meet these days? Is Church the only place to meet a potential lifemate? The grocery market? Library?(can’t talk in there!..though I’ve tried hard to whisper..and discovered I don’t know how to whisper) What place these days affords those of us with oh-so-busy schedules to link up for potential love relationships?>
Well from my window seat and soon to be on the market..with my schedule? IF I don’t get PROactive in the love game; I’ll be single for far longer than I have any intention of being..I refuse! Or at this rate & pace & selection-available-per-my-present-surroundings?!? I’ll soon either a. Be a Nun(lawd! even saying that is weirding me out. b. Lose my natural born mind from hormonal overdose c. adopt a child that needs a home to release all the love I have inside(awwww, honestly, that thought just entered my mind..BUT the idea was instantly reduced down to adopting a puppy instead) So given the aforementioned options; I’ve thought of a few benefits of possibly giving an online dating site a try>
#2. I have a high appreciation for a brother who can express himself in written form. And if he can write poetry? Major bonus. Communicating online would give me a chance to see how he or if he can write his thoughts out..Communication is a must in any relationship. Least if he can write it out; if we work out, he can write his thoughts on paper to me. By any means necessary
#3. With the loaded schedule I’ve got this mode of meeting my potential “the one” would really broaden my horizons. It would also allow us to communicate around both of our schedules. Talk about convenient! Win-win situation until we decide on a meet & greet in person. (is that what they even call it ?)
I know people who have tried the online dating scene ..there are pro’s & con’s just as there are to dating offline. I also know people who have married who met online & seem happy. Truth be told its not something I’ll be jumping into tomorrow or even next week. But I’ve come a long way to even considering it…and for me? Thats truly a progressiveness to thinking outside the box. I don’t think these days a woman can sit & wait for love to knock on her door. Seems far smarter to put myself in the ballpark if I want to play ball..and I DO. (those words have a beautiful ring to them…)