In Cancun recently for my eldest son’s wedding amongst ALOT of intellectuals and highly degreed folks ; I engaged in many highly interesting conversations .. One such afternoon I found myself in a chat with married and single folks and topic of wedding proposals arose .. One married guy, who will remain un-named, who I hadn’t met prior position was that ALL marriages are initiated by a woman giving a man the ultimatum of marriage or nothing .. First of all, I dislike using the term , AlL, second of all I’ve been proposed to and married (though not as many times as proposals ) and not once did I have to give an ultimatum . Thirdly , and most important in my book, since childhood I’ve been raised to believe , and I do strongly , that a man knows early ON if he wants to marry said woman or NOT.. I am of the belief that though I feeeel the woman sets the pace for said relationship , from the onset, I will not marry anyone that has to be forced .. To heck with an ultimatum !! However , I’m always interested in hearing guys unfiltered , unapologetic actual true relationship tips and or feelings on any given topic .. So, let’s rap.. And ladies feel free to speak your 2 cents worth also! I know I’m old school but have things really changed that much in relationships from backintheday??
Quote by Former President Barack Obama@”You Can Be Completely Right & You Are Going To Have To Engage Folks Who Disagree With You..”
Alright y’all I’m back and here are my thoughts on the matter…70 million! Americans chose the 1st Black president in our Nations’ history of 232 years–
MANY thought that would shatter racial barriers..Many of us , like moi, had renewed! HOPE in our country, pride in finally seeing someone who looked like US in the White House..A certain someone who had lived a life closer to average working folks lives than any other president prior to him..He wasn’t born rich like his predecessors …
Yet? Many of us knew race was STILL an issue for a country built ON the very backs of African slaves; slaves who did NOT come here voluntarily! Even knowing that vile history I was still horrified and shocked! at the wave of seething hatred Obama faced and even more so at the amount! of racists bursting out of the closet during and after the Frump campaign …RACE will continue to be a huge issue in our country until WE discuss it honestly..
WE must stop describing people as Black, White, Latino, Jewish; otherwise it will always matter! WE must stop feeding into and repeating stereotypes. WE must grow a pair of cajones(figuratively..) and not allow racist jokes to be told in our midst..It isn’t a laughing matter and never was..WE must try to learn of other cultures and to respect others rights to cultivate their own cultural beliefs/practices. Live and let live I say! WE must show/feel the same respect for others as we wish to be treated..I don’t claim to have all the answers, by far to anything..But it is my sincere belief WE must start somewhere….Not discussing it & tip toeing around it isn’t making it go away
THIS division is growing larger and more lethal daily–It Must Stop Now Before Implosion..Welcome and look forward to y’all chiming IN..And? Happy New Year!!! WE can make our country better 2Gether
Well I’m back y’all! Miss vibing & free-versing with each and every one of you!! My writing hiatus has come to an abrupt end; and I only wish first topic on my mind, bursting to be blogged out, was not about our country’s unfortunate state of affairs..Hang on to your hats and buckle UP because I’ve got alot to say on the Trump-inspired-torch-carrying-hate-filled-White Supremist-violent/deadly-rampage that happened last weekend at the University of Virginia ~~~2 B Continued This Weekend~~
A viewpoint well worth sharing from the Via Ex Machina blog site ~~Reblogged by Berna
I turned on my car radio a week ago Tuesday morning, anxious to hear details about the grand jury decision in the Michael Brown case. The BBC News Hour was on. I grunted. I love the BBC, but Ferguson analysis was probably not going to be their focus. Still, I decided to stay tuned in hopes that a Ferguson report would be forthcoming.
A commentary about Pope Francis’ address to the European Parliament was concluding with a woman commending the Pope for criticizing the EU’s indifference to African asylum seekers drowning in the Mediterranean. The broadcast then segued to Egypt, where an eight-story building had collapsed, killing at least fifteen people and injuring many more. Family, friends, and neighbors were frantically digging through the wreckage. The building was originally constructed with three stories, but the owner had added five additional floors supported with rickety wooden beams and other inadequate (and…
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#BlackLivesMatter, African Americans Future in America, African-Americans, ASALH, Chicago, Eric Garner, Florida, I can't breathe, John Crawford III, JUSTICE, Mike Brown, My Hands are UP, NAACP, New York, Police body cameras, Renisha McBride, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, WordPress
Lest we get so caught UP in our own day to day lives(and I’m guilty of that…) that we forget things going on in OUR world/country; are just as important..I had a surreal conversation with my youngest son today that made me pause for a minute to wonder out loud@Is this really 2014???? My son commented on the latest NON verdict regarding Eric Garner..He said WOW there are some police out there who really hate Black folks!! I found myself, again, telling him the what-to-do’s on IF ever stopped by the police for random traffic stops..NO sudden movements..Don’t get out of the car unless asked to do so..Don’t get angry, just listen & be patient..WtH & OMG is this 2014 or the 1940’s??? And while I know I’m not the only Black parent to feel this way; it sure IS a heavy feeling..Heart-wrenching to say the least..I’m asking everyone who reads this who has a wordpress blog site, facebook page, or who twitters to spread the word for our ‘new cause’ @BlackLivesMatter..Doesn’t it seem like we’ve had to say this alot more lately? Because we HAVE…Police brutality against Black folks(and with no punishment/penalty), no MEN, is on the rise..IF we all stand together certainly our voices will be heard! I’m posting a couple letters from NAACP(yep folks they’re still alive , well , and working for US) and another organization I’m a member of ASALH(Association for the study of African American Life & History..) that have further motivated me to speak OUT & stand UP for the cause @ Black lives matter & police brutality must end..I can only hope/pray it helps to motivate y’all as well..Peace & light always , the One & Only Berna
Whether we all agree or not with the results of the ruling in Ferguson(or the aftermath..) ; it IS clear there is an epidemic of police brutality in our country..
Here we find ourselves again perplexed, vexed, with aching hearts over the ever-present racial divide in our country..
The time has come, again, for us to be visible & united for things to change..Lives matter more than material possessions..
I’m not an advocate for violence..I do , however, stand with those who desire & wish & deserve! to LIVE..
***“Black America has again been reminded that its children are not seen as worthy of being alive — in part because they are not seen as children at all, but as menacing threats to white lives.” ~Dr. Stacey Patton***
>>>>The following is from The Grio…>>
The Ferguson decision is the impetus, but not the solitary reason, for the call to boycott Black Friday shopping this year. The onslaught of Black men, women and children losing their lives to overzealous, mostly white officers who are not being held accountable has many people fed up with the state of affairs.
There are the dissenters who are asking “WHAT FOR?” and stating, “Boycotts don’t work!” or “One day won’t do a damn thing! I’m getting my Beats Headphones, bruh, FOH.” Then there are those willing to consider it, but asking, “How does this work?” “What does this do for us?” Well, let’s talk about why #BlackOutBlackFriday matters and why it’s worth doing.
1. Dollars pay for retailers’ political interests
Lobbyists influence legislation on behalf of others, and many groups use them to get policies they want enacted. They compel congressmen to vote in whatever way they want, and this is not a secret nor is it illegal. On the contrary, it is a general practice in American (and other countries) government.
Lobbyists have the access and insider influence to steer conversations toward certain agendas, spin the media, and create a following for certain causes This is why they can be used to our advantage during a boycott. If we present legislative demands that require fulfillment in order to bring our business back to certain retailers, corporations will pay lobbyists to get it done, in order to maintain their business’ profits.
2. Black Friday is the single most profitable shopping day of the year.
Many retailers go from being in the red (loss) to being in the black (profit) on Black Friday hence the name. If people refuse to spend on this day and beyond, companies will take a huge hit. Many businesses make anywhere from 25-50% of their yearly revenue during the holiday season alone and if big retailers lost that, they would be very interested in finding ways to get it back.
3. Black people drive the economy
We shop. We buy. We spend money.
Black people set trends in this country, no matter how much columbusing tries to erase that fact. From fashion to music, we are the progenitors of trends, and we support them with our hard earned dollars. This provides retailers with big boosts of income, especially during the holiday season when everyone wants the “hot new thing” and gift giving centers around it.
Now is actually the perfect time to make a tangible impact so let’s take a stand. We possess the spending power to make change possible if we are steadfast, deliberate, and committed.
The question is, are we?
>>I’ve been itching to blog out my thoughts regarding the Ferguson ruling..Still plan on doing so when my thoughts have been properly gathered..After reading quite a bit from all perspectives; I can appreciate this one for more reasons than not..Much regard /respect Tressie for helping to push for ‘justUS’..(justice..) Many of us hoped also that this would go to trial for a FAIR chance to have revealed what really happened..Sadly, that chance was sabotaged! >>RE-BLOGGED by Berna from The Blog of Tressiemc
I truly believe that to be a good teacher, a decent writer or a perfunctory scholar one has to concede the limits of evidence, reason, and rationality.
It is no wonder I believe that. Evidence, reason and rationality can rarely explain my place in this world. I know the limits even as I try to stretch them. It is either futile or the human experience or, I suspect, it is both.
For months I have participated and supported the ground work of activists, scholars, teachers, preachers, parents, young people, old people, and people people in Ferguson, MO. My contribution amounts to little more than nil on the grand scale of things. Mostly, I have hoped that people would persist.
It is an unreasonable hope.
Representatives of the State, of a public that includes black people who are also a public, were defiant when they announced the grand jury results of Michael…
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We all need a good vent every now and then..Some of us more than others..Having done my fair share of venting, I’ve got wagon loads of compassion for those in need of a good vent..But what about the flip side of the coin? Does the ventee walk away with a warm , fuzzy after-glow? Or is it normal for the ventee to often feel like an emotional bag of bricks was just laid on their shoulders??
Quite often pondering over deep questions can help us search inside for our own answers and meanings..Thought I’d drop this question to see how y’all weigh in..Of course , as usual, this was inspired by an actual conversation! How can people believe in truths without evidence? Later, I’ll add my 2 cents worth..
There is no fail-proof manual that comes with raising children…Know why? Because no two children are alike, not even twins, let alone siblings..What I do feel IS universal is parental love..My free flow of thoughts on this near & dear topic is dedicated to my parents… These are a few things I think every child should hear from their parents at least once in their lifetime>>>
I love you always! Unconditionally. From the womb & forever..
I am proud of you!
What do you think? Or, what is your opinion? (and then listen..)
Thank you! (whenever applicable..)
I am human..(we must teach our children, at all ages, it is ok to admit fault & try again..)
REblogged by Berna from the FiftyFourandAHALF blog site .. Whether you’ve early voted or will VOTE tomorrow this is a piece well worth watching ! Get out the vote & VOTE
If you haven’t seen this bit from John Oliver’s new show, you should. You should watch it before Tuesday’s election, and then again periodically, just so you remember what I keep telling you. That elections matter. And that it is important to pay attention to not just Federal elections, but to the ones lower down the food chain.
Apparently it takes someone from England, from the country from which we declared our independence, to explain to us just how we are letting our own government get away from us.
Because we don’t pay attention to “the unimportant levels of government.”
Ummm, it is at the state level that we’re really getting screwed. I can attest to this as a resident of “Virginia is For Ultra-sounds.” Yup, it is the folks whose names we don’t even know, who get to decide these issues that most impact your life and mine.
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RE-blogged by Berna because JMS you’re so right@ common courtesy and respect will always be in style ! I took to heart teaching/showing ( as did my co- parenting partner ) our sons how to treat women with respect .. These are things that should rightfully be taught at home … I can fully testify that chivalry is NOT dead .. And always , always it’s appreciated and returned tenfold ! Once again JMS outstanding write ….
Times change, and along with them – social norms change. Technology changes. Acceptable behavior changes (sometimes for better, sometimes for worse), and basically, well, everything changes.
For this reason, we cannot always simple ‘bring back’ certain concepts that were once widely accepted or appreciated, and for good reason. But what we can do is glance back at the past and pull the frosting off the top, so to speak. Particularly when it comes to dating and relationships, there have been noticeable changes in the way we approach and treat each other.
The origins of chivalry may be ancient, and not all considered appropriate for modern society. But, we can take the parts we want that we feel will make the dating process better, and leave the rest to lay where it is. Here are a few practices that I feel are the ‘frosting off the top’ of the way things…
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Once upon a time I ran for political office..What was true then remains true all these years later..My slogan was ‘Your Vote is YOUR Voice’..And if you don’t vote you’ve NO right to complain or expect positive change..Early voting period has begun folks..One way to make sure you don’t have to stand in long lines November 4, 2014? VOTE NOW..In many places polls are open from sun up to sun down..Literally..I’ve included a brief video clip on why voting is so important..WE can make a difference! >>
What defines us to ourselves? Is it our intentions? Is it our thoughts? Is it our actions? Is it our attitude? Is it our outlook on life? Some of us don’t like to admit it(hand raised high in the air! ) but we want our existence to be remembered..I think we all want to matter..We want to define ourselves with something that is LASTING..Whether it is a published book, successful business or goodwill towards others..Some of us also pour a great deal of the best parts of ourselves into our children..I’ve very guilty of that! Why? Because they’ll be my living legacy long after I’m gone..Yet, isn’t it the little moments quilted together that define us? I believe it is..
Who we spend time with defines us>> Who we keep close are the people that will most influence us..When I close my eyes & reflect on the BEST moments of my life? More times than not those were moments that had someone else in them..Someone close..Dear ‘trusted’ friends who have been there for us in all types of weather..Family members who love us unconditionally to the very core of our being..And those we’ve loved deeply , who care for us even after seeing us at our worst..I’ve learned & am still learning to be ‘conscious’ about who I spend time with ; for they have a say in defining us..Many moons ago I used to tell my sons pick & choose your friends wisely! At 51 years of age that still remains true..Mayhaps even more so now>>
Acts of Kindness>>Corny as it sounds it can make a loved ones’ or stranger’s day! We aren’t always aware of the impact our simple presence has on others..A smile…An unexpected tip(recently happened in my world that I tipped someone whose establishment provided horrific overall service) A comforting ear..A hug..WE have the power to restore someone’s faith in humanity..
We choose our perception of the World>> I heard someone say very recently that the world is full of mostly evil people..Made me a little sad that they’d feel that way..I quickly realized I couldn’t change their mind..I think it is an individual decision we can choose to make every minute of the day..Is the world revolving around us or can we step out of ourselves & see the world from a more realistic viewpoint? If we can’t ever see the world from another’s perspective what does that say about us? There is alot to be said for that old adage@ Walk a mile in my shoes..>>
Addressing naughty habits>>I found myself saying , just today, perfection is boring..There are many things we may dislike about ourselves..None of us are above anyone else..We are human & will make mistakes..Throughout our lives we forms habits, attitudes and even addictions that can be detrimental, but to let them define us would be the greatest misfortune..We must and should strive to dust ourselves off, do better, work on self-improvement/progression and move onwards and upwards>>
What have been some of your life-defining or life-altering moments? Who have you chosen to BE?
I won’t and can’t lie…I can’t relate to this piece…However, now that I’ve been single & celibate for 3 years(though actively dating someone I dig alot..a whole lot!) I find myself trying to understand all aspects of the dating spectrum…My hair was blown back by the open nature and honesty of this write..At 51 yrs old and UNmarried; my biggest fear is entering old age alone..ALONE..MY parents attend even random doctor appointments TOGETHER..Shopping, etc..whatever they do together…As much as I dig my independence I MISS being part of a forever union..Knowing that someone always has my back..Good , bad or ugly…There IS comfort in that…Having said all of that I’ve a silent respect for those who are still patiently waiting on ‘the One’..It is hard for me to imagine waiting & waiting & waiting on love until well into the 50s…I’m just NOT that patient!
IF anyone can relate to this woman’s perspective, feel free to comment…I was captivated from word one!
I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me….
October comes in innocently enough, stretching the edges of summer into fall. But then, one night, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold chill touches my shoulders like a former lover I’ve tried to shake from memory. I shiver. My heart falls; I know that another long winter is approaching and I’m still alone.
I hadn’t planned it this way. I have always been open to love and relationships. I have held on to hope and to expectations and to dreams and to grief and to men I should have let go of much sooner. I have been high on love and tip-toed on top of clouds. And I’ve lost my breath under a dark cloud, wondering why it’s so hard for me to have the long, meaningful relationship I deserve.
I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. I’m focused on the moment I’m in right now. This is life. This is my life. And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin.
Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. He swivels to face me, smiling, and I smile back. The date is off to a great start. But soon enough, his tone changes. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin.
First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. They describe their marriage and how it concluded, or why their recent long-term relationship finally had to end, as Brian’s had earlier this year. “We argued so much it no longer felt good to be in the relationship,” he volunteers. And now, as these exchanges go, it’s my turn to share why I’m still single.
“Have you ever been married?” Brian asks.
“No,” I say.
“Have you come close? Like engaged or lived with someone?”
“Nope,” I add.
Brian presses his lips together in judgment. “When was your last long-term relationship?” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one.
“It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his.
“But you’re attractive and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single. “Like how long?” my date continues. “How many years?” He wants details. He wants to hear proof that he’s right about his assumption that there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, he thinks, she can’t commit.
“I don’t even know,” I say with a smile and a nonchalant shrug. And I’m being honest. I don’t know. I don’t know how many men I’ve gone out with or how many men I’ve kissed or been intimate with or how many men I’ve lost to what was simply not meant to be. I don’t count the men because, in the end, they are all one closer to one that will be the One.
“That’s OK,” Brian offers as consolation. “Some people aren’t interested in having a serious relationship.”
I immediately find myself rising up to my own defense and resent us both for having to do so. “Does it mean I’m interested in having a serious relationship if I stay in one too long because I don’t know how to leave or because I can’t bear to be on my own?” I ask. “I never married the wrong guy or pretended to be happy in a relationship when I wasn’t. And it hasn’t always been my choice for a relationship to end. I’ve been in love. I’ve wanted to be in love forever with some of the men I’ve dated. My heart has been broken,” I add.
My date seems unsympathetically relieved at this last note. My black-and-blued heart is proof to him that I’ve gone to battle for love. But I’m more focused on the fact that I’ve survived and have moved forward than on the battles I’ve lost.
“So, what’s the issue?” he asks. “I can’t believe you would still be single. You must be picky.”
We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot.
“Of course I’m picky,” I say with confidence. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.”
My date pours more wine into my glass from the carafe we’re sharing. Our conversation moves on to entrepreneurship, a passion we share. He goes first, and I’m sincerely impressed. And then I share my work and the business I’ve grown over the last seven years. But for my date, he’s not so much interested in my work, but in how my career might be the root-cause of my singlehood.
“Some people choose to focus on their careers and some choose to have families,” my date says emphatically, making the assumption that because I haven’t had a family, I’ve made my choice.
“I didn’t choose to have a career over falling in love, getting married and having children,” I reply, my voice again slightly raised. “I can control many aspects of my career, but I cannot choose when and with whom I fall in love and who returns the love to me. I didn’t plan to be single at 45 or not to have children.”
“I have a friend who admits she spent too much time focused on her career and not her dating life,” Brian says, like it’s a diagnosis: “Career-Womanitis.”
“Women don’t often forget to fall in love. They don’t often forget to have children. Sure, time passes faster than we’d all prefer, but if someone wants to be in a relationship, and most women do, then we find a way to do that when a man who wants the same thing is present in our lives,” I reply. “Women are better multitaskers than men are in general, so I don’t buy into the ‘too focused on career’ script modern women have been given instead of the truth: Despite having a great career and taking care of ourselves financially, while also taking care of our health and well-being, we haven’t met the man we’re meant to be with.”
“Maybe you’re too independent,” Brian suggests, more to himself as he looks down his mental list of possible reasons for my singlehood.
“I’m independent,” I reply. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be dependent on someone else for a change. We keep hearing about how women should ‘lean in.’ I am leaning in so far that I’m falling over. I don’t have a net, emotionally or financially, to fall back on. What I would do to be able to lean back for once. What I would do to have a man in my life whom I could count on when times are tough…”
Brian is running out of arguments. I’m running out of patience.
“Brian, if you spend the rest of our date searching for what’s wrong with me, you’ll never discover what’s right with me,” I say, trying to soothe us both into another topic of conversation. “I have no regrets. I’m living a life I never dreamed of in many respects. Yes, I wanted to be married and become a mom in my twenties, but here I am, in my forties, with all my bumps and bruises, still in the ring, unwilling to give up on love.”
My date seems satisfied, at least for now, and we begin to chat about other things. As we leave the bar later that night, Brian gives me a hug. “You’re shivering,” he says, sweetly. “Let me get you into a cab.” He hails a cab and asks me for a second date.
“Yes,” I say. “I’d like that.” I’m open to a relationship, after all.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says with his handsome smile as he opens the cab door.
I smile back as I get in the cab. I am happy to be out of the chill.
Melanie Notkin’s second book, OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness (Seal Press/Penguin Canada), is available now. OTHERHOOD received a prestigious *starred review* by Bookli
RE-BLOGGED by Berna from the Must Be This Tall To Ride blog site..
The Ebola situation is changing so rapidly . Matt has a way with words that mirrors how I feel! Excellent comments also..
RE-BLOGGED by Berna from the JamesMichaealSama blog site..**I love this advice for todays modern man !!!
This is an excerpt from a list I came across quite awhile ago online, and was happy to have a friend remind me of it on Facebook earlier. I think it provides a good set of guidelines for the modern man in order to be our best selves, so I wanted to share it on here. To the point and effective. Enjoy!
Stop talking about where you went to college.
Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.
You will regret your tattoos.
Never date an ex of your friend.
When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
When people don’t invite you to…
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Beauty, blogging, Body Image, Bubble butt, Confidence, Curvy figure, Diets, Eating disorders, Eating habits, Exercise, Hollywood, Lifestyle change, Overweight, Self esteem, Skinny, Societal pressure, Vitamins, Why Diets Don't Work, Women, WordPress
First, a few facts>>
Body image is the way that someone perceives their body and assumes others perceive them. This image is often affected by family, friends, social pressure and the media
People who are unhappy with their bodies and don’t seek healthy nutrition information may develop eating disorders..Eating disorders are unhealthy relationships with food that may include fasting, constant dieting, or bingeing and purging
Body image is closely linked to self-esteem<
Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape..Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media
58% of college-age girls feel pressured to be a certain weight..58%!
Studies show that the more reality television a young girl watches, the more likely she is to find appearance important
More than 1/3 of the people who admit to “normal dieting” , will merge into pathological dieting..Roughly, 1/4 of those will suffer from a partial or full-on eating disorder
In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future..The stats remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status and race..WOW
Students, especially women, who consume more mainstream media, place a greater importance on sexiness and overall appearance than those who do not consume as much
95% of people with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25
Only 10% of people suffering from an eating disorder will seek professional help
Only 4% of women globally consider themselves beautiful..
This topic has become personal for me as of late..First, time in my life(at 51 yrs of age no less!) I’ve realized I’ve got body image issues..Even though I’ve clawed and fought my way back from becoming overweight post-surgery & in full-blown menopause; it still isn’t enough. Even getting back into my pre-surgery sized clothes isn’t enough.. Mind you I was almost scared into keeping fibroids versus gaining weight..Who would rather risk possibly gaining Cancer over gaining a few pounds????? From the list above I’ve done it ALL with the exception of purging & cosmetic surgery..But I’m forever going on meatless week stints, gave up all juices/carbonated drinks, skipping meals, squeezing in speed walks in lieu of leisure week lunches, biking, treadmilling, weight lifting, and of course my beloved weekly raw veggie smoothie detox drinks(which I’ll probably drink for the rest of my life..
So just this weekend I found myself giving solicited advice to my bestie about losing weight..And out of my mouth came the words@ “Don’t diet. Diets don’t work for us, because we wind up feeling deprived & fall off.. Just adjust your lifestyle little by little & eating habits in increments & exercise more..Start slowly on the green raw veggie drink..” When I got home I realized I was telling her something I wasn’t practicing! I wanted her to start off in a healthy manner; yet when I want to quick drop pounds I dang near starve myself..I’m always hungry! Stomach growls seem normal..Today I caught myself trying to climb 2- 3 stairs at once(butt lifting exercise) while on my cell & almost fell..Not cool!
I decided to reach out in honesty ..Calling out all/any woman reading this..WE have got to stop this never-ending cycle of pushing for the perfect body image..I can’t imagine how this life-long behavior would’ve impacted the daughter I always yearned for , yet never birthed..Thankfully , I can sincerely say this wasn’t taught to me by my own Mom..She taught me always to love me for ME..Yet, even with constant & consistent positive reinforcement from parents/significant others/countless passerbys/friends? Still find myself pushing for something more..It was somewhat comforting to read the above statistics; for a moment. I’m not ALONE in this struggle for the perfect body. It is deeper than just being vain..But when does it stop??? When is good enough(& healthy!) , enough??
IF one can’t be honest with self in their 50s; probably won’t ever be! Naked truth exposed feels pretty liberating & hopefully admitting it can lead to positive change..Anyone out there that can relate & would like to share?
Ever read something that seemed to scream off the pages & reverberate off the walls??? Mayhaps it is the phase of life I’m in..Now that I’m one year post-50/very empty nester/divorced; the words of this quote speaks volumes to me ..Ten years ago it probably wouldn’t have..Things were different then..Heck, I was different then! So when I read such deep words from someone who accomplished remarkable things that changed our world/daily life, yet died before 60 years of age..Cliche as this is going to sound; it makes me pause mid-stroke(keystroke that is..) to ponder my own truths..@Am I the person I want to become? Have I accomplished as much as possible , within means, in my life to this point? When will I switch up from thinking outside the box to actually walking outside the box?? Either life is moving faster in the Fabulous 50’s or I’ve become more cognizant of how precious time is now…
Is being interesting in the eye of the beholder? Are some people just naturally more interesting than others? What makes a person interesting? Is being “different” the same as being “interesting”? Here is a list of things I ran across than can help to define if someone is boring or interesting…
You are a confident person.
You are up on current events.
You have at least one interesting hobby.
You are creative and like to make things.
You listen carefully to what people say.
You have a good memory.
You don’t let yourself be bored.
You read regularly.
You don’t complain much.
You start conversations with strangers.
You love to learn new things on your own.
You joke around a lot and make people laugh.
You don’t watch much television.
You tell a good story.
You are irreverent and sometimes shocking.
You are very open-minded about people. You give everyone a chance.
You refrain from talking about your feelings or focusing too much on yourself.
You are friends with interesting people from all walks of life.
You are well-traveled, and you enjoy visiting new places.
You have a career that you are passionate about.
You rarely turn down an invite to do something.
You try a lot of new things. You don’t like to be stuck in a rut.
You participate in at least one group activity outside of work and school.
You are not a snob. You don’t think too good for anything or anyone.
You don’t gossip or argue. You keep your conversations upbeat.
Alright y’all it is time to chime in! ..Are you boring & self involved or interesting? Do you find yourself inclined to spend time with people who you find interesting?
Let’s take this one step further..IF someone were to ask what makes you interesting; what would your answer be??? I’ll share if you’ll share…I’m working on my listening skills 🙂
What would you have done if you were the police? What would you have done if you were the passenger? Do you think the police were racist or following the letter of the law? How would you recommend your loved one(s) to act in a similar situation?
This is one of the most interesting pieces I’ve EVER had the privilege to read & pass on in a re-blog..It resonates with me for several reasons & I get it! I hope my readers not only READ the initial post ; but also READ the comments..Later tonight I shall drop my comments on why I attend church. Mass. But the condensed version? (which I don’t often do well..) It is the connection with the PEOPLE at my church, that I get the most out of attending church. It IS the feeling of utter joy of singing the words of the songs I sing in choir..I feel it in my bones! Joy! I find myself in a phase of life that I’m seeking a closer relationship to God..My maker & creator! There are PEOPLE in my church(including my parents, my spiritual advisor, and my GodMom) that are helping me to get closer to God..However? I’ve also met people who do NOT attend church ; who I see the face of God in as well..By their actions ..I could add more now; but I won’t..Open minds will enjoy this read! **Re-blogged by Berna
*Ha! I totally got you! That, my friends, is called clickbait. Of course I go to church. I just am not very good at it.
Yesterday I did not go to church. I did not feel well at all, and usually we come to the ends of our week ragged both with the good things and the incurably mundane. I read a Walter Brueggemann sermon instead (suggested by a dear friend) and cried my eyes out. I watched a video of a prophetic demonstration, and cried some more. I listened to a podcast while I cleaned my kitchen and–you guessed it–the tears came again.
A few times a month we go to a little Mennonite church in our neighborhood. We started going there because we could walk to it when the weather is nice. Before we started attending, a year and a half ago, we had never been inside…
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Woke up at O’dark thirty(too early to even mention the time..) with this thought lingering in my mind..Probably a left over from whatever I’d been dreaming about..So anywho, that is the question of the day..IF you had the option to get a glimpse of 10 years into the future, would you? Wouldn’t it be great to get a look-see ahead?? Think of the things we could do differently IF that was the case! I’ll hold my other thoughts until tonight .. Should make for some really interesting conversations..
**There are those rare friendships that are effortless..**
Three decades..How can mere words express?
Out of all the beautiful friends I’ve met..
You’re always and still the best
Whenever I needed to call you
You’re always at the end of the phone
Whenever I encountered life’s troubles
I knew I wouldn’t face them alone
It’s easy to take for granted
Someone that is always there
Sometimes you miss the chance
To express how much you really care
It’s simple to forget all they do for you
How they’re a sister and a friend
And when times get hard & you’re knocked off your feet
They pick you up again!
Yes, I remember..
Lest you forget on this marvelous milestone birthday
I cling to our friendship in silent countless ways
There is a soothing closeness how I can be myself with you
Like slipping on an old familiar comfy pair of well-worn shoes
If I’ve indeed taken you for granted I do sincerely apologize
Knowing you’re in my world means more than you realize
Can’t help but remember..
All that you’ve been , done and are to me
And though I might forget to say
I appreciate dearly your love for me
Each and every single day
I love you always Sis!
Africa, CDC, Contagious disease, Dallas, Ebola, Ebola River, Ebola Virus, Extremely infectious, Facts about ebola, Health matters, Hospital, Liberia, Nigeria, Sierra Leone, United States, West Africa, WordPress, Zaire
I don’t know about y’all; but I’m a little more anxious about the U.S. Ebola situation as the days progress..Can’t lie I wasn’t thrilled to hear about the two American Ebola patients arriving on U.S. soil this summer..Even more unsettling was the first case of Ebola that showed up in Dallas this week..Dissemination of factual news/information can reduce hype, anxiety and reduce the spread of a disease like Ebola..IF it gets to that point..As with so many life instances a little knowledge can save our lives and provide us with peace of mind..So here are the facts I’ve picked up about Ebola>>
Is it possible for this disease to spread in the United States? Of course it is..Anyone who says it isn’t possible just isn’t being honest(or doesn’t know any better)..However, more than just the odds indicate it will probably not become a pandemic in the U.S. There ARE reasons ebola has spread so quickly in Western Africa…Life there is very different than life here..Culture, hygiene practices, customs(including washing the dead before burial; which btw has been a leading method for ebola to spread..) & the fact most can’t afford hospital care..All of that together perpetuated the rapid spread of the virus>>
Ebola Fast Facts
Ebola is not brand new..The first human outbreaks occurred in 1976..The virus is named after the Ebola River, where it was first recognized. There are 5 different strains ..All but one of the strains can cause illness in humans & animals(the 5th strain only affects animals)
Ebola is extremely infectious but NOT extremely contagious..An infinitesimillay small amount can cause illness..Because it isn’t transmitted via air, it is only considered moderately contagious
Humans can be infected by other humans IF they come in contact with body fluids from an infected person or contaminated objects from infected persons..Humans can also be exposed to the virus, by butchering infects animals…
Typically, symptoms appear 8 to 10 days after exposure, but incubation period can span 2 to 21 days…
Ebola is NOT transmissible if someone is asymptomatic or once one has recovered..BUT, the virus has been found in semen for up to 3 months…
According to the World Health Organization: The fatality rate can be up to 90%.
Weak apology or not..Mind you only after public outcry..This was a BOLD openly racist reference..We all know Boston isn’t known for being especially “kind” to folks of color..The Boston Herald just figured they’d “test” the waters to see if this sentiment would fly under the radar..It didn’t! There is a line that should be drawn even with humor..
Yet dripping slowly down my body making me melt
As those silent lyrics
In my ears
Chasing away my unromantic and incoherent fears
Your restrained rap
Caresses my emotions
Jeeeez the nearness of you is making me light-headed
The soundless delivery
Never leaves your lips
Yet somehow manifests itself
A delicious sweeeeet gentle yet erotic kiss
Subdued consonants and vowels
Verbally not yet said
I simply can’t resist
Your succulent kiss..
Touching every lil spot
Of my being~
Feelings felt are freeing
My every inhibition
Giving U silent permission
To break rank and tradition
Cause I’m ready 4 submission..
At long last!
So keep acting out those silent words
Coming back for 2nds & remarkable 3rds
I’m so enjoying this mentally passionate sensual vibe
So wonderfully felt that my mere words can hardly describe..
Has great conversation become a thing of the past? Remember backintheday when it was all we had? Not snippets of conversation that resemble hashtags either…Think of all the “sips” of conversation we have that don’t involve face to face dialogue(or voice to voice) ..Texting, emails, Facebook, twitter; in every aspect of our lives..From work to romance! It has become a valuable & convenient way to communicate..But does it serve as a substitute for real conversation? Something to think or talk! about indeed…
..Will God lay it at your feet? How long should you wait on God to send HIM? Will you know the signs that ‘the one’ has been sent from God? Limitless questions that seem to inspire more questions…>>>
Proverbs 31:10-31King James Version (KJV)
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies….
Exactly what IS a woman of virtue? As Christians we’re taught(correct me if I’m wrong..) that a woman of virtue is pure, upstanding in good character, and waits to be plucked by ‘the one’ sent by God to love only her..But what about those of us who are divorced or will never be virgins again?? Are we also supposed to wait, again? My interpretation of this scripture translates to pure of heart..
1. characterized by or possessing virtue or moral excellence; righteous; upright
2. (of women) chaste or virginal
I think we all interpret things; differently…Also I find that we often pick & choose what scripture we want to emulate or believe in…Is a woman any less virtuous if she employs an active hand in determining her ‘fate’? Do WE sit at home waiting for any other opportunity(i.e..career, investments etc..) to knock on our doors? The answer is simple..No, we don’t…In that aspect we use our God-given talents; to achieve our goals..Why isn’t that the same universal sentiment for Christian women seeking love? Why are so many of the belief that God is going to do it ALL? One must do their part, good works, to gain anything in this life..Right? There have been phases of praying for discernment in my life(I’m in the midst of one now..); in which I am listening to the ear of my heart..It’s my belief there IS a healthy balance between actively looking (or broadening our exposure, circles..) for a life-partner & waiting for God to send one into our lives..Being passive doesn’t get anyone anywhere! If this is truly the case then why do we hear of so many(including the video clip I posted..) willing to ‘just’ wait??? Doesn’t that mean they don’t trust their own judgement/choices at all? IF a woman’s heart is pure and she is a woman of God; can’t she be guided/led by him to choose a life-partner? Or at the least attempt to step out of her comfort zone(online dating sites, broadening social circles, etc…) in order to be discovered? Real questions. Real thoughts that I wanted to share with y’all..Feel free to chime in or share from your experiences..Stand UP women of virtue and speak on it…
Conversation ice breaker of the day..Is honesty always the best policy?
You’d be surprised what the responses are when you ask someone this question!! Though an age-old cliché not everyone believes this is the best policy…What is your take on it & how has it worked out for you in your day-to-day life experiences? Later, I’ll post my thoughts but in the meantime here is a clue …
What would be even more fun is post the responses you get when you ask someone this question today..Let it flow y’all!
Honesty and keeping it all the way real…
Just a random question… Is there anything you’d gladly wait in a mile-long line for???(or longer…) Without complaint & patiently..IF you knew what you wanted was guaranteed at the end of the line! Whether you share here/at work/with family or friends; cute light topic for a little mental relaxation..Or least it was for me! My answer came so easy it surprised even me..Because I hate standing in line(almost as much as I hate being in bumper to bumper traffic!) I’ll break the ice by going first. Corny as it sounds.. I’d stand in the world’s longest line for love. Alright now it is your turn..Go!
I simply can’t not re-post this piece..Beautifully written & expressed! Re-blogged from the Tall, Black, One Sugar blog site
There is a tendency when an article is written about injustices against a specific demographic be it race, gender, ability or orientation that some people want to jump in and talk about ALL. All races. All women. All abilities. If that is your intention, then this article is not for you. Try this one instead.
This article is primarily aimed at my simple voice for standing up for black women of the Diaspora primarily living in the UK and USA, who have come in for a lot of unnecessary negativity.
To My Black Brothers
My first shot from the bow is going to be aimed at my black brothers within the Diaspora. I think it is important to sort out our own house first before taking any broadsides at the wider community.
For many years black women have been pillars in our community. When we as black men have…
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African American Culture, African American Men, African American Women, African Americans Future in America, American, Anger, Black Relationships, Brazil, Cultural, Emotion, Hurt, Interracial relationships, Knowledge, Love, Loyalty, Men, Ponder, Reflection, Sterotypes, Women
**Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think? **
Sigmund Freud believed that mental illness came from ‘repressed emotions’ in the unconscious mind. He believed that release & acceptance of these denied or repressed emotions & memories were VITAL for mental health. If this emotional energy wasn’t released , Freud noted it led to physiological symptoms and illnesses…>> Memorized this many moons ago when I studied psychology..For some reason or other , this Freudian tidbit came to mind while reflecting on why my emotions free-fell to anger after watching a video clip last night..
A friend sent me a video clip last night..My first reaction to it was anger..Not seething; but full of passion! And immediate..So much so that I didn’t finish watching the clip until much later..Curiosity forced me to finally watch it. At the time I didn’t realize why it made me feel angry..I’ve not “personally” experienced the sentiment expressed in the video clip..Yet , I took it personally. It was hard to watch and swallow..As a Black woman it hurts to feel judged & stereotyped(as a group) by everyone–especially those that we’ve stood by ALL of our lives. Black men. I later realized my feelings of anger directly translated to ; my realization of the myriad of reasons the gap is getting larger @The disconnect between Black men & women. As a single Black divorcee that makes me “feeeeeel” sad, disappointed, abandoned, a sense of betrayal and yep, angry…Briefly! We’re all freeee to do who! or whatever we choose to do..But dang, dangit & dayuum why heave us under the bus! The description @Angry Black Woman has never been applied to me as an individual; but it doesn’t mean I can’t/don’t/and won’t express and feel anger from time to time..We live in a culture that views expressing anger as taboo. My personal belief? Holding it in & denying it isn’t good for our spirit..I’m hopeful to write more on that & this topic at a later date… So anyways, that led me to ponder/reflect/wonder why we feel the emotions we do..Just wanted to give a little backstory on the prompt of the thoughts that inspired this piece ..Again I pose the question@ ** Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think?**
I’m sharing the actual clip in the spirit of seeking insight..Curious what , if any, emotions are evoked when y’all take a peek. From any perspective..As a woman. As a man. Of any race..In my experience emotion transcends all..Especially the greatest which , of course, is love! But I digress and badly.. If you feel the need to share then just know this is an emotion-friendly zone! Let it flow…
Special thanks to my friend for , again, broadening my scope of knowledge
Who are the people you can rely on for counsel or motivation? Who gives you feedback that you can put to good use? Who helps you resist the temptation to shy away from deep personal reflection and/or positive change? These are the some of the purposes that those who serve as my sounding board fulfill..My life wouldn’t be the same without them! Whether self-appointed or just fell into the role; I appreciate them to the fullest..Again and again thanks y’all for always answering my calls..
Most of us need people to give us support, advice, and motivation from time to time..Someone we can run things by or just to vent & release…Whether one’s sounding board simply just listens or offers advice/insight; they get YOU. I’m of the belief that this process has helped me to grow , in ways I wasn’t even aware I needed to change or improve..In addition knowing I’ve got folks I can confide in is highly comforting..In a world as complex as the one we live in that is a priceless!-stress relieving fix..Have you ever felt the need to release to someone who genuinely cares/appreciates you? If so ever thought about if you didn’t have them in your life? Do you have anyone you can call to say I just needed to hear the sound of your voice ? It can be almost as comforting as sitting by the waters edge..Even if you don’t feel like sharing here why not give them a call/text/email/or smoke signal to say thank you & I appreciate YOU. Alright y’all all input is welcome ..Never know whose day you might make from simply sharing your experiences. Lets rap!
>>This piece was originally posted on ‘ The Uppidity Negro’ the personal blog of ICUs Joshua Lazard>>>
Domestic violence, inherently, creates complexities on both sides of the gender aisle. We, as a society, have to admit that in order to have an open and honest conversation. This would be a conversation that appropriately lets emotions be felt and listen to opinions that may seem like something directly from a male chauvinist playbook be dealt with directly. The first open and honest paradigm that should govern these types of conversations is that the victim should not be further victimized. There is nothing ever that the victim caused to be a victim of domestic abuse. There is no word or action that has the power of causation for them to be hit or struck in any shape, form or fashion.
I’ve sat back, silently (and perhaps that is a fault of my own I hope to explore later in this piece), and watched some of my black brothers bring out…
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..MAJOR SOCIETAL FAILURE** >>When a woman is figuratively RAPED in front of the entire world over & over & over again as she’s victimized repeatedly ..The point has been made clear by the NFL @WE don’t believe women. WE think they are wrong & we’ve got to be convinced they’re right… So, here is my breakdown of how many times Janay Palmer was victimized since Ray Rice PUNCHED her in the face this past February & knocked her out cold! >>
First a FACT that the NFL might want to take note of(Or more so) ..Especially with the “indefinite suspension” for Ray Rice. In my humble opinion? He should be banned for life from playing professional football. I’ll get back to that later..Over 45% of football fans are women. Go figure..A traditionally male-oriented , very often female-exclusionary sport has a fan base of almost half female. Many of us have watched it right along side our husbands/partners/Dads/sons..Some of us love it! Having said all of that..If the men of the NFL won’t man up & stand UP against violence towards women(I simply don’t believe they’d not seen enough evidence to dump Ray Rice when they gave him the 2 game suspension..) Then the women of the NFL should and need to. If half its fans don’t tune in or buy NFL products??? I bet it wouldn’t take a TMZ released video for the NFL to do the right thing next time! Come on now..A celebrity gossip entity can get the full video & the NFL couldn’t have?? Wasn’t it already clear what happened in that elevator with even the first video of Ray DRAGGING unconscious Janay ??? Does anyone expect Goodell to say , NOW , that he made a right decision with the first suspension?? A guesstimated 375,00 women attend NFL games each weekend of the season..Alot of moolah is on the line. However, what I really feel is on the line is the sentiment about women in America>>
Back to the list of ways Janay Palmer was victimized>>
#1. When Ray Rice punched her(like she was a grown MAN) in the face..Every picture I’ve found of Rice, alone, he’s pointing to his enormous muscles. Yet? He instantly responded to the situation by punching the mother of his child. He could’ve simply lifted her off her feet to calm the situation. I’ve heard not one report on her injuries..Not one.
#2 Janay was next victimized when, from the onset, the Ravens minimized her assault. It was called “a distraction” in their star player’s life.
#3 She was forced to sit in front of the media & the ENTIRE world in an interview..Apologizing for her role in being punched in the face..WTF & OMG..I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. And America sat back in full acceptance. The game must go on at any cost. Right?
#4 When Rice’s lawyer said it was “completely hypothetical” Panay instigated and Rice was in defense mode. Later the justice system, didn’t even pursue full charges against Rice. Hmmm big money talks & at times it truly is a man’s world. Still even in 2014>>
#5 When the NFL’s powers that be, somehow didn’t see enough evidence to punish beyond a 2 game suspension. Why wasn’t a request made to gain access to the entire video? Major League Baseball got evidence during the Biogenesis scandal, right? Yet, the NFL (btw the # 1 American sport & quite powerful..) couldn’t get a tape from a hotel??? Poppycock!
#6 By Ravens cheering fans when Rice returned to the field. WOW..Enough said.
#7 The full footage of the incident being released to the world last Monday. Truly an invasion of Janay’s privacy! As IF it wasn’t enough for the entire world to have seen her dragged out that elevator like a cave dweller..I won’t post that video clip as a visual for that reason. It’s been seen enough and too much as it is..Shouldn’t have been necessary to reveal so much.
The final painful thing to occur is that many(one was too many…) blamed Janay Palmer. That somehow something she DID or said provoked her to get punched..As IF..Why is it the woman always gets the burden of proof??? Casted as being mentally imbalanced, or as gold digger, or dressed provocatively, or simply saying something to rile a man UP..Lawyer’s use this(as Rice’s did…) time & time again. Because it works! Why? Why is it a woman’s word(especially with supporting evidence…) isn’t a good as a man’s? It is a deep cultural misunderstanding of how violence operates , to think that the victim incites the abuse. How about a person using self-control(some dang discipline!) & keeping their hands OFF another person? Especially when they dominate over them in size/weight/physical power? Football is a sport driven with aggression and violence. That is no secret..When played with great sportsmanship it is a sport many enjoy watching and playing. I get that!(though I readily admit football has never been a sport I adore) And when that aggression is left on the field, where it belongs, it can’t impact innocent others who aren’t football players. If they want to beat their own bodies up to a broken down mess by time they reach their 40s & 50s..So be it! Humans though are habitual in nature..I’m more shocked this isn’t a more wide-spread issue. Youth hormones + amped up testosterone + aggression training + the coddling athletes receive..The potential is there..As a woman I’d have felt better if Ray Rice had been banned for life from the inception of the first video being released..Immediate. At least then it would’ve been obvious how the NFL(or rather the men in power calling the shots…) felt about women. It is as if they didn’t believe (or care..) about Janay Palmer’s opinion or well-being. Not one bit.. Furthermore, I don’t believe no one in the NFL saw that full video. The burden of proof should be on them to PROVE they are in full support of women’s rights..Nothing less than banning Rice will prove that. An example needs to be set. Let him use his millions to seek continual therapy..Rice needs to question his own ethics..Why did he allow the mother of his child to be pimped out in an interview? Amongst other questions. This isn’t just a football matter. It is personal. I’ve already spoken before about how I feel about violence..Didn’t physically discipline my sons/ I’ve never been in a physical fight/ I don’t feel war is a necessary tool except in self defense…We live in a time when education is made more & more accessible and excessive technological advances..Yet bohemian and heathenish(is that a word???) behavior is viewed as a mere “distraction” ..When such a great deal of people could cast Janay Palmer at fault in her own assault; instead of feeling compassion for her as a victim. As a society we’re in trouble!! ..Good self-esteem isn’t something we’re born with. It is cultivated, nurtured and taught! A great deal of lessons learned are from what we see..And the way I see it? The NFL needs to be clear on its stance against violence away from the field. Can’t sit on the sidelines & make the right decision only after the truth comes to light. Women are more than just potential profits and should be treated as such. Not just during football season either. All the time.
This topic was actually prompted by a conversation with a male friend..A deep chat of sorts that reminded me how people view being single from the outside..As IF all folks that are single are lonely..I know I speak of things from a personal perspective. I’m working on that! But in the interim here is my list of reasons I think I’m still single. Actually I’m single but dating/seeing (is that even the politically correct term these days???) someone.. It took a great deal of honesty/soul-searching/reflection to size myself UP.. A great deal!
**Flashback to the aforementioned conversation** As I recall the list of qualities/characteristics my friend brought to my attention that, he feels, makes me a good catch..I’ve come to the realization a lot of those same items are also the reason I’m still single! Ironic as it seems(catch 22 mayhaps?) I believe that to be true..What I also realized as he spoke was that he’s digging me as more than just a friend..OMG when & how did that happen???? But I digress..And? If anyone else out there also desires something (whether it is a career/significant other/change in location/further education, etc etc) a reality check is a good way to purge the soul! Least it works wonders for me..On with my list>>
Reason #1 . Never learned how to play second fiddle. Yes, I bought the whole kit & caboodle I was taught as a young girl by my Daddy. That I deserve a man’s full attention. Don’t get me wrong; I can hold my OWN in a crowd. Being the social butterfly that I really am..But in a love relationship that analogy doesn’t work for me. I’ll wait for a minute to be plucked out of a crowd with my hand, figuratively, held in the air waving@ Here I am! Yet, being number 2 isn’t something I do well. I fall back if I discern that is the case. A most speedy retreat. Might even leave skid marks as I quietly depart..Confidence can be attractive but also has its disadvantages..I honestly believe I AM & should be treated as the 1 & Only
Reason #2 . I’m only attracted to my Black brothas as romantic partners..It is part of my DNA and comes as natural to me as breathing. This has caused the dating pool to be a lot smaller. Why? Because at my age a great deal of good brothas my age are married or linked up already. Heck, I never thought I’d be single divorced at 51! Just wasn’t part of the master plan I’d set out with many moons ago. Y’all know what they say about the best laid out plans though right? Yep, ish and life happens! Bottom line , without a doubt, IF I’d open myself up to date interacially I’d have been linked up long ago. If the rejected proposals are any indication..Real talk for real! Black is SO beautiful & my brothas rein in all ways>>
Reason #3 . I waited too long to get back into the dating scene..I’m so out of practice! Figured I was doing the right thing to take a breather after my Cali love & to get myself adjusted to my new location(and life as an empty nester) Isn’t regrouping a smart thing to do?? Wait, don’t answer that it is a rhetorical question..But like I recently heard Katt Williams say@ “I was single too long..Everyone is either too young or too OLD..Issues or not(don’t we all have issues of some sort at this age?) I’ve got to admit Katt has a point. Contrary to the thought process of a lot of single folks(about why they are single..) ; I don’t believe the rules of dating have changed that much. Men still crave the company of women & women still crave the company of men..Well the straight ones DO. While a great deal of brothas have expressed admiration for my self-discipline ; still has become quite clear to me I’m out of practice. I’ve grown to used to just being and doing ME . Becoming part of a duo again will take time & effort & patience…I need to tape that to my mirror so I can re-remember it daily>>
Reason #4. Began buying the hype about the to do’s and not to do’s of dating..There IS a never-ending list of lists of what to do/how to do it/WHEN to do it..And as my new guy friend pointed out? Some of those sources(ex. Steve Harvey) haven’t been IN good relationships long enough to even be reliable self-appointed love gurus! Least I didn’t buy his B.S; I mean his book..Come back and give me tips after you’ve been in a GOOD love relationship for 50 years Steve. Until then thanks be to God I’ve got parents who fit those shoes. Never in my life have I looked UP so many tips/clues/hints/suggestions on how to be in a relationship before. Jeeeez , no more..Back in the day we just let it flow. Used to trust what I felt in my spirit/soul. I’m standing firm & refuse to buy into the hype any longer>>
Reason #5. Still yearn for a guy that gets me! I can’t play ‘the game’..I don’t know how to be coy/play hard to get/LIE. I want to have conversations where not a word need be said. Believe it or not(loll yes I know I talk a lot..working on that too!) Just want someone who understands & appreciates me for me. And likewise..Girlish as it sounds I want to fall in love with my best friend. For life. I think guys have gotten so used to being duped & played; it is difficult to trust in a woman’s word. Realizing fully that sometimes I’m hard to follow! I’ve alot of pent UP energy & alot to share..Patience is a virtue and often the best things in life are worth working to learn/earn. >>
Reason #6. I have standards and principles. I believe in loyalty and committment.. I’m a one man-woman. And tough as it is for some guys to adhere to(due to natural biological cravings…yep, I read up on it to gain understanding) I believe in a monogamous relationship. I don’t know how to ‘hang out’ with a guy I’m digging. To me it IS a date. I can hang out with my girlfriends..>>
Reason # 7..I’m a giver by nature. Whether it is a friend or a lover I’ll give the shirt off my back to a person in need. Without hesitation…Problem with that is kindness can be viewed as weakness..I can’t shut off a piece of who I am just to avoid possibly being hurt. One can’t discover love holding back.>>
Exhaling! I think that is it..Enough said. Anyone out there sat & reflected on possible reasons you’re still single? Granted it is easier to just profess there is a shortage of good guys/women left..That could be part of the reason & I honestly don’t take away from that logic. The terms good & good catch are subjective..In the spirit of teach one, reach one(my only reason for blogging isn’t just to vent..) I’d love to get additional comments. Chime in! Until I read/write y’all stay UPlifted & blessed! 4ever sincere the 1 & Only, Berna
Ugh! For some reason this was the hardest piece to write..Mayhaps because in the rear seat of my mind I knew people (because they told me..) I’d chatted or met from online would actually read this..Often times things can be said, even in good taste, that can be found offensive when describing real –life happenings..As my disclaimer before I dig in it is my utmost intent to show respect for the people text chatted , or conversed with on the phone, or met face to face(my preference) ..Each & every one taught me something new(either about me , men, or from their shared life experiences that I listened to) …I’m forever appreciative of that. Thank you/Gracias/Asante/Merci/Grazie/Obrigado! Moving right along…
Overall? I’ve had a good online dating experience..Actually wound up meeting someone , in person, that I am highly interested in! More of that later…First I wish there had been more tips for online dating in the fabulous 50s..It is different from offline dating…Or least it was for me! Could be because I’ve been out of the dating scene for 3 years now..Wow, can hardly believe that myself ..Can’t tell y’all how many comments & wonderings(and amazement) I’ve heard about how could I possibly be single that long?? If one more person says that I will scream! (Or at the least feeeeeel like screaming) Yet, it has been pretty easy to be single when one hangs with their parents/parents friends as much as I do..Until now. Now I’m ready to not be single anymore…
So next a few tips learned first-hand by moi..Okay ladies here is the real scoop
1. Make it clear you’re interested..Honestly, I think this goes for men & women..Once there has been an established mutual connection(either on the phone or in person) let that person know you’re digging them! Why? There are A LOT of potentials online (never counted the amount of messages in my inbox but it’s in the hundreds…) & who has time to pussy foot around? At 51 and after a 3 year hiatus? Pfft! I’m not letting any grass grow under my feet. IF I dig you you’ll know as soon as I’m feeling the first set of butterflies…(Which for the record in my couple of months online experience has only happened once. Very, very recently) Someone said to me that he felt women were too busy weighing options online to decide on one man. Yuck! That is a sure fired way to miss out on a diamond in the pile of pebbles..Weigh your options ; but don’t take forever & a day doing it. We’re in our 50s; we know what we like when we see it. I think that shoe fits for men & women..
2. Appreciate a MAN for who he IS..Just as you want to be appreciated for who you are. Or least I do! We get what we give. Can’t read someone’s profile & then try to change him into something he isn’t. Just hope and pray he was honest in what he wrote on his profile..
3. Move quickly from offline ..Period. My limit was 2 weeks. I’m not feeling the online chats at all.. Not my thing. After 2 weeks of messages if he hasn’t asked for my number (cell number to be on the safe side) ? I move on…After phone and text chats for a couple of weeks? It is time to meet face to face. Why? Because people can get attached very quickly through actual conversations..This could be problematic if there aren’t mutual sparks when you actually meet. And of course make the first meet in a public spot. First person I met(I met 4 people) I met him at the supermarket. On purpose. Yep, lol..
4. Define quickly what is and isn’t acceptable. I had NO idea it was the IN thing for people to send nude pics. Lawd! Had my hair blown back..Just didn’t see it coming. I’m not a total prude. At first? I can’t lie..I looked..After all he was a pretty buff & nice looking brotha..And he was so proud of his body(as he well should’ve been..) However, if that is all you have to offer ? We’d never even chatted voice to voice; only text chatted. Then wham! Physical attraction matters but without a mental connection it means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. I deleted him before he realized what was going on. There was no need to explain. Even in my younger days that would’ve been a lame approach.
5. Be honest. Do NOT post 10-year-old pics. Do NOT post pics that are blurred. Do NOT post pics from a mile away. I haven’t had time to respond to even half of the messages in my inbox; but the ones with those type of pics I quickly deleted. One finger stroke. Poof! Do NOT state ish about yourself that isn’t true. Lying is a funky habit anyway..But if you happen to link up with someone you lied to??? Not sure about them but that would be a deal breaker for me. Even if I was digging them…Can’t build anything good on a bad foundation or one built with lies.Be real. Be YOU. Everyone isn’t for everyone. Period. I feel its better to be myself(yourself) and be accepted as I am; then to perpetrate a fraud.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d try online dating..It used to be so taboo! But since I’m not one to venture out into the clubs by myself(though I love dancing!) and haven’t yet ventured much out into the social scenes here by myself(and everyone is coupled up at the social settings I’ve gone to) ; it seemed the logical(and convenient ) way to broaden my options. I’ve been lucky . The handful of people I met were cool & good people at heart. I was going to write about my specific brief encounters; and decided against it. I’ve been on several dates & had a good time. It is hard for me to have a bad time where ever I am. And yes, I will talk to anyone. Lol! New friend of mine suggested I get a T-shirt that reads@ Yep, I’ll talk to you too! I’m actually thinking about having one made. And he IS a keeper. Intelligent, very well versed and can hold his own(and does) in any conversation, hot!, kind, and extremely chivalrous. It is the first time in ages that I’ve been physically and mentally attracted to anyone. The vibe is good. Very good. And? I met him on an online dating site. And? I’m not ashamed to admit it. I can’t be the ONLY one reading this that has experienced online dating..Why not share? Go!
Waving to y’all! My fingers are itching to blog on this topic..Been too long since I last blogged or blog read; and I’ve missed it. Promised to blog on this for a minute now…And? I think or hope the fieldwork I’ve done can serve to help others seeking love in the 50s..Want to know why 11% of American adults have tried out an online dating site? Well now I’m officially one of them. Hmmmm hang onto your hats, caps, wigs & weaves..Will be spilling the goods this evening..STAY TUNED & BUCKLE UP
50 and Fabulous, 50 is the NEW 50!, 50s, 51st birthday, Baby Boomers still know how to BOOM, Family, Friends, Grown and forever sexy, Life journey and lessons learned, Memories, New adventures at 50, New life begins at 50!, Still standing at 50
Waving y’all! Quick break in a VERY busy day..It IS my 51st bday..Wooooohooooo!!! Extremely humbled by the amazing amount of Bday calls, texts, emails, ecards, gifts ..Blown my hair back & as I reflect on this year past? Flew far faster than I anticipated it would..Yet as I count off the goals I accomplished this year? Almost completed all of them..Progresssive year indeed..What was most important to me? Living IN the moment; and making those I consider dear feel as special as they are to me. Nothing more special to me than time spent & enjoyed! I learn & I yearn to learn even more. Thanks to all who have added to my journey. Thanks to all who taught me lessons I’d not have learned had you not entered my world. Most of all thanks be to my God for allowing me to learn the lessons a tad bit quicker..Embarking on a new adventure as we speak; and I am READY. Be back asap to share ..Till then live, love , laugh! Have a fun & safe 4th. 4ever sincere & still standing, Berna(the 1 & Only)
**Re-blogged by Berna from The Opinionated Male blog spot** Always love the frankness & insight of these brothas! Feel free to add your 2 cents..(ladies & guys)
Another night alone. Another evening rendezvous with your cat, dog, or in extreme cases your….*ahem* toy. Another instance of hearing how much fun your girl Marissa had on her date with Darnell. How about hearing all about how Tania and her husband Curtis just came back from a weekend getaway?
Now maybe it won’t bother you at first but after a while you start questioning yourself. You go from not wanting or needing to be in the company of the opposite sex to feeling downright lonely and melancholy because you’re not. You are labeled as the ‘token friend’ that your girls are trying to hook up with someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a blind date or otherwise. Maybe you made some mistakes that many women tend to make in their relationship(s) starting with:
Giving up the cutty rather quickly & often, then suddenly your vagina goes on a hiatus
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All I could think as I read this piece was ..Yes, YES, Yes! Such a young writer but she clearly gets IT..I’m glad she didn’t let fear stop her from sharing it..>>Re-blogged by Berna from the In Transit blog site
Because all women have walked to their car in the dark, keys clutched tight in hand, one poking out between two fingers.
Because when I go out to bars or clubs, I have to think about whether what I’m wearing is too suggestive, instead of putting on whatever I please.
Because I feel the need to apologize when I’m not wearing makeup or my hair hasn’t been washed, or when I’m generally looking anything other than flawless.
Because there was nothing I could do about the man who touched me inappropriately in the middle of Gillette Stadium as I waited for my then-boyfriend to come out of the bathroom. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STADIUM.
Because there was also nothing I could do when a man touched me inappropriately in the middle of a crowded street, his arm around his girlfriend. Because retaliating in the way I wanted to…
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One of the best pieces I could ever wish to happily share/re-blog! Written by The Barista from the Tall, Black, One Sugar Blog site
“We do not talk of women’s emancipation as an act of charity or because of a surge of human compassion. It is a basic necessity for the triumph of the revolution. Women hold up the other half of the sky”. – Thomas Sankara
To my brothers, elders, youngers of all shades, colour and creed.
At some point we have to come to the realisation that we have a collective responsibility towards the way that we treat women both within and without our sphere of influence.
Globally the world is shaped in our favour. Systems, be they religious, political, economic, educational or social are shaped and dominated by male thinking. The official word is patriarchy.
As a result of this many woman are treated as property.
In the extreme cases we are talking of rape, child marriage, FGM and a whole raft of other offences.
In other cases this manifests as…
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